from Lunar playlist:

Hole - Gold Dust Woman (current mood)

julia holter - gold dust woman (aspirational mood)

Now that my $ has moved to Phoenix, I find that I have very little desire to go there at the moment. I watched the moon rise as I drove southeast. I coughed terribly, singing in the jeep alone to clear my lungs. 

I used to do the lottery test on myself. Try it:  if you won the lottery would you still want the life you're living, same lover, same job, same home, same body? 

If the answer is no, then you must stop living that life, lotto or not, you only have one life. If the answer is yes, then keep doing what you're doing (even if it is hard, which it sure can be). 

I stopped doing that test because the answer was no but I wasn't in control of it, I wanted things that could not be bought with any amount of money (still often do). I wasn't trapped, I just didn't know where to go. I was just reaching the point of Do Anything Different, and I was perusing options. I let someone fall in love with me. I went to New Orleans to blow some shit up for the fuck of it. I was moving towards...

Then the pandemic. We all froze. 

My point is, we've been probably living out that life since, back when we got the babies and the puppies and the prepper supplies and we still have all that stuff. We defined our relationships by whom we could keep safe and how we would do that. And now here we are. In these relationships and situations. 

So let's take the lotto test, shall we?

I'm afraid to report I got nothing but "fuck no" as the answer in most categories. 

I'm trying to make decisions one at a time to address things:

Would I want the same body? No. So I changed it.

Same job? Fuck no, I'd quit my job today if I could, so I took the first step in getting a divorce. Ugh, divorces are such a pain in the ass. I've never divorced a job instead of a person before, but divorces just inherently suck, I know it will. 

Same lover? This is a tough one. Maybe. Right now, since he's tied to Phoenix and since he does looove me maybe it'll work, he certainly tries hard. But. He thinks we are living happily ever after now, which tells you what the problem is: he's clueless. 

(I was once so in love that I was suuuuure it could work, and I tried soo hard = I was likely fucking clueless. Live and learn.)

Action steps:

1 move half my job to Phoenix, the fancy hard part (grant), bring in the priests to shame everyone in my honor, flipping off my boss feels delightful, savor that.

2 let Nebraska consider step 1 as his argument for my staying in this relationship - I want other things but that's what's he's got, so I'm trying to value it.

3 keep focusing on my body, it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE to feel WELL. If I don't want to be inside this body, feel in this body, fuck in this body, trust this body, then nothing else is worth shit.

4 be a total fucking cunt about protecting my time for item 3 🖕

5 sell the damn duplex (move from frozen to fluid [assets], literally and metaphorically).

6 go the cottage, dig my heels in, not fly to Phoenix next week at all, make them wait if they want me so badly, I'll go when I feel like I did 2 weeks ago, healthy and horny.

 7 bank my temper, this relentless painful cough is a form of infuriation, it feels like burping smoke after breathing fire. 

The lunar eclipse is at the "fuck no" end of the spectrum, energy wise. It removes things from your life so new can come. It's for what fails the lotto test.