Sunday, February 28, 2021


The gene variant is a one-off, a completely unique instance of cystic fibrosis that could not have been screened for and that means she lives without a pancreas as long as we can keep her alive. It wasn't genome mapped yet until she existed. Which wouldn't have happened if her mother did not exist. Which was an insane choice on my part when I was still a child. To have a child fathered by a man who died of failure of pancreas when he was still so young. 

My life will be over soon already before I can fathom its impact. I'm only now even connecting any dots of it.

This is anathema to a virgo. We want reliable cause and effect. Plant nasturtium seeds and that is what grows. Work hard. I like(d) to work. It yielded. This...this "just endure suffering" thing ... it's hard work, but 

I just don't get it, how to *accomplish* it, I'm confused and exhausted and don't know HOW to be good at living this life anymore.