I am having trouble with happiness. Sometimes, I don’t know how to be myself in it. I mean, I like it, not being fraught, don’t get me wrong – it’s just that I don’t know how I AM, how that functions, what the habits of contentment are. I don’t want to run 4 miles, so I don’t. etc. I don’t want to clean the shit out of everything, so I don’t, I hired a cleaning lady I can’t afford, but I don’t want to go shopping all the time either, or out all the time either, so I pay her the money I save instead to come once a month and make my house look as if I’m unhappy (i.e. mopped). Then I can’t afford books either, but then again I’m not dying to escape into one all the time, and when I do want to read one, I go to the library and I return the books on time, because I’m not too depressed to remember to do it – the librarians know me, not as a reprobate but just as a patron….

….I’m boring. Very boring. Was I always this boring? I’m pretty sure I was, I was just more prolific so the dust-up hid it better. Now I’m a slightly pudgy boring cheerful nymphomaniac in a mussy house with unshaved legs who sincerely enjoys playing Pictionary.

In one of the library books I read most recently, The Dog Stars, a man who has survived the end of the world (99% of the population succumbs to flu) has these moments of, say, fishing a creek with his dog, or of a breeze – and he is happy. Not YAY HAPPY kinda happy, just at peace in successive moments. It is then he knows that he is lonely. I understand that. I worked hard for peace in successive moments, all that yoga, such a clean comfortable home, and then I knew I was lonely. Now virtually all I want to do is play Pictionary at the end of the world, where it’s safe. I’m making these, that’s my "big plan" for the holiday break, with a spell cast in each one for “nothing / just light”. (Want one?)

People C Mon – Del ta Sp irit (high rec) all you soul searching people c'mon, oh la la la