I do not know how to be writing to Nobody on this blog ... that seems like an important thing to figure but I'm not sure how or why .... I dunno.... here I am this morning, alive inside my life, my mother visiting, my kids around me close each of the three (so far) orbiting at their particular distance, my career clamping down on my time... my reproductive health what it is, whatever that is, who can say?? la la la ... a man nearby to all of that but not here (yet?), stirring feelings and memories and chitchats with Mary, writing which for a change I do not leave here, that for a change I gave to Sunnie, a first between us . . . this is still what I'm listening to because it was the last gift I got, though I am trying not to listen to it over much, just a four times now, trying not to make the same mistakes, letting shit get to me too much down the bone more than it is meant to .. or is the mistake that I don't let it get to me enough? This is what I can say for sure about the last 24 hours: I talked to God; I took my girl with me and I gave the dialogue to my best gf; I told the man who is presenting himself to me that people seem to really love me or they really just do not, that anyone trying to hold a middle ground on that is driven bonkers or disappears, that my kids have been raised by the mafia of me, that you're either in or you're out with me that's how it goes for whatever reason; I took my peeps to see "30 minutes or less" and my mother laughed in that shotgun-burst style she does, like John used to too, that way that makes me laugh more than the joke itself; I listened to the rain alone, and am still doing that right now, hoping for some sleep