This is what being around him does to me. My body just kills itself, no resilience left. I feel physically awful. When did I get back from AZ? And it's taken me all this time to level back up to "adequate" physical health for 1 day. At a certain point, it doesn't matter why anymore. If every time you think about the other person or spend time with them, you feel awful, then as the Dr says "if it hurts to do that, don't do it" (duh)

Nebraska is in DC for the national humanities alliance conference and then advocacy day when you get to represent your state to members of Congress about keeping things funded. I would normally go with him. I did last year, and this year the idea of being in DC at all let alone over fucking funding - I mean, it's got to be INSANE right? Like meeting Flav, only different. If I were stronger. But I am not, presently.

Just talking about it brings me right back down.

It's going to be a very long year, I fear. 

He took a copy with him. Cz now all I do is tell him to stop fucking talking to me, but he does constantly, text text all day, I respond with barely polite monosyllables on the subject of work, while he also just bailed on paying anything towards mutual obligations (I am so never giving the dog back, no!), then at 1 a.m. he starts blathering about sending me breakfast (uh, do you know what any vet bill looks like, asshole? And wtf is up with men leaving me jeep payments? 🙄) until I have to shut him down AGAIN, no I'm not accepting bagels, go fuck yourself. "I am not interested in talking ON your terms or IN your terms." I suggested he go read this book, learn MY terms. Premise: you make me literally sick. 

It was the nicest way I could think of to say "you make me sick". 

I have a very annoying zit on my ass. Asstat karma, could that be a thing?  My skin is usually flawless, objectively speaking Italian skin just is. This is an estrogen gangbusters thing = the next dude is already on my nerves for not showing up by now lol 🤨 Let's call next dude "Ken".  God damn it, Ken 🤨

Funny story tho in which I am an idiot: hot yoga, afterward I'm in the shower, and I find this marble-sized zit back there and think omg I have buttcheek cancer !! then think that'd be a funny way to die, objectively funny😆 🤷🏻‍♀️ But no, it's just Ken 🤨

No song God dammit 🤨🙄

Talk. selena gomez ft benny blanco Talk is a balm.

I chatted with Toughie last night. Short term disability still not approved despite legal requirements to approve and provide it. Smart boy kept a voice recorder in his pocket, as did I, the pile of HR lawsuits pending gets bigger by the day. However, thanks to the Blowhorn, the NLRB is defunct = there shall be no protections of any kind for any worker, union or not, no matter what your contract or the law says. Until further notice, you should put air quotes around your "rights". 

We need to stay away from our workplace as much as we can atm to protect our health from collapsing. But that means forced social isolation. And after a while, that feels just as bad for us as the working conditions were/are. We miss each other and all our friends. Set a goal before coming back, I suggested. My goal: gain 10 pounds. If I gain 10 pounds and haven't moved to Phoenix, then I will return to campus next fall. And be an intentional thorn. 🤨

Protecting my own is one of my strongest instincts. Proof: hearing from Toughie did not turn me on, it was just a RELIEF, another one of us they failed to kill, safe for now. And that relief = I scarfed down a plate of Niagara Cafe like WHOA. I finally felt it again: hungry. I have been eating only by forcing myself to do so for many months. Hungry is very different than starving, bodywise. Hunger feels like your body is trying to live; starving feels like your body is trying to quit this life. 

Then I slept like a baby who strangles Kens 💤

 

"I'm going to strangle you."

I'm Just Ken - Ryan Gosling ft Slash (live)  💞

Cosmic rhythms are authorizing you to be extra demanding in the coming days—as long as you are not frivolous, rude, or unreasonable. You have permission to ask for bigger and better privileges that you have previously felt were beyond your grasp. You should assume you have finally earned rights you had not fully earned before now. My advice is to be discerning about how you wield this extra power. Don’t waste it on trivial or petty matters. Use it to generate significant adjustments that will change your life for the better.

Rob's weekly oracles don't count as horoscopes. He's not even pretending to know astrology, it's pure augury. I called in sick today. I feel "fine", but my heart knows better. 

wtf is HRV balance?

It's Fat Tuesday. I need to decide what I will give up for lent. (I wish I could put out a suggestion box.) Jerking off, methinks - not because it is "bad" but just to go without expenditure of my girly self down.

I've been thinking of "my demands", working within the circle of warmth emanating from that Priest, an almost voodoo charm he pulls out and lays on you in quick decisive affirmations ("I Needed, and Jesus sent you in a basket") , then you're in it before you even knew there was an it to be in, identified and conscripted. 

The demands I make next - of him of them of me of life - have to right my heart(beat). What does that?

Listening for answers, lying here in the quiet, phone silenced, calendar wiped. I can almost physically feel an assumptive answer, like "married". I don't know how to interpret that. I am certain no more diamonds will be on my left hand again. Ever. But I affirmatively consented to something. And I am not strong enough (yet) for whatever it is.

Turn on the radio. Maybe a song will be sent with some answers. I'll be here.

"dog pile"

Monday sucks. 

Unions submit 16,500 staffing violations at WNY hospitals to state Health Department and all that that implies.

my fave time, sleepy long morning coffee in bed with the mutts, soaking up what vit D there is alone on Venus

If you felt, in the weeks past, you could sometimes read the thoughts of another, that sense will be less pronounced in the new cycle. On the last day of Mercury's journey through the sign of intuition, we realize there's a limit to what can be expressed silently, sent with a look or on the wings of intention. Get ready to dig into a more direct style of communication.

Ok, let's "dig in". I mean, mostly I have either said all I had to say or have gotten no reply or both. So, g'head, lay it on me.

Jesus, is that you dawg? 

This would have been a great day for fucking all afternoon. 

I did my best 🌩 with all the rain on my libido parade. Finally made that dick butter. Starting with this one.

Ending (toxin shedding). Ingredients include witch tears and Italian tang.  Soundtrack (this dude slayed me today, and I let them fall fall fall 😭): east side of sorrow - zach bryan and Oklahoma smokeshow his/hers

More Time: ingredients include reblooming rose absolute suffused into the wooden lid underside northern attitude - noah kahan ft hozier

'Flutters', from the V-DAY horoscope (You'll soon have all the time and space to dive into the passions that set your heart aflutter.) Secret ingredient, girl drool training season - dua lipa (live) body talk - kane brown katelyn brown (behind the scene)

The soundtrack picked itself, Alexa dj'ing whatever by chance, mostly songs new to me - ones for crying, one for holding up/out, ones that were ready to flutter. Butters made in that order accordingly.

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