booze has its own special poison properties, but anything could be that which you can't overcome and that destroys you before it kills you. 

I've had to have 2 conversations with Ears' father, and wow, I thought my blood ran stone cold before that, ha. friendly reminder of what a walking cancer is like to deal with, scanning always for an opportunity to strike and be right above all else, to grow fat on that feeling like a leech. 

I often castigate myself lately, the last year a LOT, for so few lovers, so little built in that life category. but. upside to everything: my babydaddy scares me. for real. I mean, I remember viscerally now how that felt/feels, how it was (is), how firmly I wanted no men in and out of Ears' life on top of that burden. and the little one was trans, jeezus. thank god I blew that allllll the way up.

the way we ended / left it was just plain failure not as lovers but as parents (being real) (and both of us). but oof am I glad it wasn't anybody else and that their biodad wasn't the only male voice they ever heard and just as glad there were no more besides. 

that 10 day no way joke is no joke 🖤

"once the loss and betrayal happen, those same [endurance] capacities don't remain neutral equipment sitting there waiting harmlessly.

So instead of:

wound → diminished person

you get something more frightening:

wound → strength mobilized around wound → strength keeps wound alive."

I have to understand that shit FASTER now.