not ok

I just keep telling myself that as long as he is breathing, I will find a way to make him laugh again. 

But this lighting candles shit just isn't cutting it. Name in the prayer book again, all this calling for spiritual help, it's just not enough. This is absurd, we are adults, in each others' lives for going on 2 decades, I should be able, no allowed, to do more than this.

Dad, if you can hear me, and I know you can, swing a maul for me. You always were on his side too, and you were right (about a lot), I fucked up. Please give me a way to walk through the brick wall of the orphanage 🙏, a real way, I promise I can if I could. There is no way for me to heal time, I can't go back and unsay "I'll be back" then be too sick to do it. Please forgive me. And help me be right fucking here now, some damn how. Nothing is right, Dad. If I had seen/heard him at socks maybe, this all might have been less shitty, I might not have had to move all alone, he might have been on speed dial for your end and me with you, avoidable heartbreaking forever-fuckups. Please, enough. Please 🙏.