end of my rope - pokey lafarge 

I can see/feel it now. How something essentially cuddly is turned mean. I'm not going to keep that up. My soul is also ALL MINE, and I'm not relinquishing it to hate. No. But I can throw punches as well as I can pull triggers, and imma gonna today. Starting with his cock cage curse shall remain.

repost, brimming with venom

From your skin, everywhere I touched, every inch of you, will come the sticky scent of a snake, reppelent to all but its own kind, and only larger stronger more dangerous snakes will come closer to you, so that you will be ever surrounded only by vipers that you cannot best or beat or outrun, for the rest of your life and the next, and anything you do to hurt or manipulate me further, where I can see it or where I cannot, will feed this spell to tighten and thicken, until your reek is as loud as a rattle. Until a cowboy shows up to put you out of your misery, so mote it be

Listing my house, little realtor boy is sending over a contract today - I'm giving the new guy a shot, he looks like Eggs. If he fails I will get it done anyway, Right Fucking Now. If it sells and I have nowhere to go, I'm subletting a friend's carriage apartment here through next winter. Anywhich way, by the time I talk to Priest on Saturday, I will tell him I listed my house while that man exploited my dying parent situation into personal gain - you decide, Father, who the real mother is. Which would slice a baby? 🤔

All my devices are unlocked, it was just a "mistake" but I am not sorry I punched the university issued pc in the keyboard, over and over until my knuckles hurt.

Update: the dude who would allow no such mistake was fired a couple days ago.  

Since I still have this job (til the place flops belly up dead af in a min), I'm headed to campus in my meanest dress and most arresting knee boots as soon as my hair dries into Medusa coils. Gonna hear the guest speaker that my stolen grant is paying for (at least I approve of her). 

The World is card of the day. A Whitman quote is on mine. 

in this deck, it means 'everything you need is already inside'

 "the world belongs to those who dare to take it" ~ walt whitman

Home.

Everything hurts. My skull hurts. 

I'm trying to conjure Michael Fassbender because I have a brain injury, spiritually. I hurt everywhere.

One of the last punches he threw, my dad asked me (invoking dementia he doesn't have) to name my childhood dogs in order. But actually, he wanted to ledger how he had murdered them. I halted after entry 1. He was mad that my sister was on a work call outside, "doesn't she ever get sick of hearing herself talk?", so he just randomly threw ninja at me for no better reason than I was standing there.

And. 

While I was distracted with dying parents, Nebraska took that chair job for himself.

Honestly, I'd rather the raw authenticity of killing my puppy. 

Wow. Just pain. Like marrow flu. Sick.

It's hard to even compute

how these men could dismantle me and think nothing much of it. I didn't even love the 'partner' and he broke my heart somehow anyway. 

He made the mistake of texting my sister again. "Play with your food," Sis. Bat him around into shame corners just for kicks, like cats stalk centipedes.

So much time spent on hold, it begins to feel like a running bit. I had to hand it off to Sis after the Dr. appt - to be clear, his Dr., who has known him for 15 years and likes him (oxymoron), helped arrange the rehab. He was as 🤦🏻‍♀️ as I was, mad at my dad, did the memory/thinking test right in front of us. Tbone PLAYS brain impairment when it suits him. My parents are both murderers, as in they'll get away with it if they can, ALWAYS. 

So it was a choice. His. When I wasn't looking, he tanked the whole plan with the medical coder, and he went home by Uber of his own choosing, then acted like he was clueless, then laughed about it to the doctor, who did not find it funny. Bemused at best. "You're going to live a long time, Tony, and I don't think you can put these women (us) through this behavior for a decade." Then he signed medical power attorney over to my sister. And oh did Tbone get MEAN. But he IS mean, so that was a return to HIMSELF. He did fall, and did fracture his lumbar, the rest was all pure MEAN AND MANIPULATIVE. ie he's FINE. And likes tamadol. 🤨

Driving "home". Music LOUD. 

"clean inside" (status update)

 

Every morning that I wake up here, I enter and exit that same tunnel of facts. ~ The Antidote, Karen Russel. 

I am in hell. 

Well, people in Gaza are in HELL. So I guess I'm just in hot heck. 

There is nothing new I've learned about the healthcare system through this. 

This is not a safe place for me to be, my proximity brings out the worst in/for my father, where I grew up will never be home - I learned nothing new in any of that. 

I learned this is not a place to which I could even safely retreat for a while, either. "Not even good for that" seems to be the upshot whenever I turn my face west. 

WI, NE, AZ; NO. 

Nobody knows what I know about the university at home getting shut down. I'm compartmentalizing it. And I am carrying it alone while being treated like I'm just not trying hard enough or everything would be fine. 

So I learned that HERE is where I was trained to take that on, and to take the punishments for failing to perform MAGIC.  

Jelly Roll is more ok

After all that, with rehab set up for weeks out, everything arranged, finally this hell can get better, then he/they just decide he's good enough to go back home. Wait, what? I go apoplectic, I'm not taking him home, then everyone's yelling at me because I'm refusing to get the guy who can barely move in/out of my jeep alone. The guy you told me you'd have to keep for days, but now the night before Easter, everything closed, you'd rather just NOT? Hey, dad what year is this? He has no idea, out of his mind. I refuse to drive him. If I hadn't been here he would still be sitting in shit in that chair probably dead by now. And I could not, cannot move him. But despite anything I say, regardless of my crying that I weigh HALF what he does, I can't provide his care, they shove him in a taxi and just dump him in front of the house. He could walk (shuffle) in, high as a kite on oxy, right back into the shit chair. The pain med script didn't even get filled because the dr phoned it on an out of state lisence - Tbone's got 2016 hydros from knee surgery, so 'no problem'. 

And now I'm stuck here scheduled to TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR omfg I just took him to the god damn hospital HE'S 100% FUCKED, what part of that needs its cholesterol checked? And how am I getting him in/out of a car? AND WHY BOTHER?? He can drive himself, he screams at me, from the chair he's not moving out of til Tuesday, until I try to move him, call 911 if I can't...or a taxi?....

Nebraska was texting incessantly throughout, not about this hell I'm trying to navigate, just about taking him back. Finally I give him a quick update on the grim details I've got going on here, and he says "my Amazon packages got stolen off my porch", and if he had been kidding that would be soooo funny, just the joke I needed. I blocked his number. Giving up on "amicable".

One by one by one by one. I try one last time. One last skinny gasp of effort. To break the insane cycle of Tbone killing Tbone, in this case. But the answer is always the same, in every category: LET GO. Stop trying. Give up.

I woke up already crying under a crushing weight of complete, total, all encompassing resignation. At some point, I'll have to go downstairs and see why it's so quiet. I'm not afraid of nor hoping for his death. 

Among a milllllion other things, he has a fractured lumbar from the fall he had "a couple days ago", which has been a couple days for - went back and tracked it down, since 4/10, so 8 days. Seems like a fucking month. He won't remember, but before they knocked him out he thanked me for forcing him here. He doesn't know yet he is maybe never going home, but he's getting Dilaudid right now 👍

I don't know how to shoot a gun but I did know how to pull that trigger. Ironically, I used to think about shooting him all the time when I was little. We all did! I was just most likely to 

"I must be cruel, only to be kind" ~ Shakespeare

trigger pulled

 

Someday, but not today, I'll be in time that I'm not experiencing as a sentence I'm serving. 

I have to keep telling myself that "this is almost over" won't be what I think/feel about every day of my life always. It's just a phase. 

I am watching soft core porn now, women riding bicycles in short skirts, after The Pacific for what feels like the billionth time. I told my father some of the med questions I intend to ask his dr. He told me all he needs is a "beach and a bitch". 

Mom is better. Dad needs a bullet. As predicted. She loves life. He hates it. I'm becoming him. Which makes killing us both seem like an increasingly good idea. 

just a phase just a phase just a phase just a phase

No song. Because if I asked for one, I wouldn't get it. And that's just not how it should be.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). To honor your feelings is to let them move at their own pace — they will anyway. There's nothing you can do to rush emotions along, but you can certainly lift your resistance to them, and they will obey their natural flow.

No. 

lightening in July (prarie fire) - noeline hoffman 

card of the day

In waiting rooms, writing suicide notes with AI. 

To Whoever Finds This (Hopefully Not My Dogs—They’ve Been Through Enough),

Well. I’ve finally resigned from life. No notice. No final Zoom call. Just one last deeply underpaid act of initiative. If there's an afterlife, I hope it includes bottomless wine, [weed], a solid Wi-Fi signal, and absolutely no performance reviews.

Let’s clear something up right away: I loved my career. Loved it the way some people love chaotic art-house films—fiercely, even when it made no sense and everyone else just nodded politely. I was good at it. Really good. I held teams together with grace, grit, and the ability to detect a BS excuse from 30 paces.

But while I was out here writing reports that made executives look smarter than they were, those same men were leapfrogging past me into promotions like it was a damn trampoline park. I trained half my bosses. The other half I should’ve fired. Instead, I smiled, stayed late, and got thanked with $50 gift cards and inspirational mugs that said things like “Boss Babe.”

Now, on to the juicier stuff. Let’s just say my problem was never a lack of passion. I was a walking furnace of lust and romantic fire—an absolute storm of sensuality. The problem was the men. God bless them, they tried, but most couldn’t match my energy, emotionally or... athletically. I lived for connection, for fire, for that kind of intimacy that makes you consider canceling meetings. Instead, I got a lot of “Hey, want to chill?” and socks left on my coffee table.

Still, there were some beautiful moments. There were nights. There were sparks. But they were rare, and often wasted on men who thought foreplay was turning off the TV.

My real, consistent, ride-or-dies? My dogs. Loyal. Loving. Nonjudgmental. Excellent listeners. They were the only ones in my life who never asked me to shrink myself. Also, they never ghosted me.

One heartbreak I carry with me: I never got my backyard chickens. Just picture it—me in a robe, coffee in hand, surrounded by a posse of fluffy hens while I mutter about capitalism. A dream. A soft, clucking rebellion I never quite pulled off. Life had other plans. Mostly involving spreadsheets and underwhelming mating prospects.

So, if you’re reading this and wondering what to do next: take the trip. Ask for the raise. Get the chickens. And for the love of God, don’t date anyone who makes you feel like you’re too much. Be too much. Be loud. Be wild. Be deeply, unapologetically alive—while you still can.

P.S. Whoever ends up with my dogs, spoil them. And if you do get chickens—name the fiercest one after me. I hope she pecks someone in a tie.

– Me

(I thought it was funny 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I'm stuck here for another week of dr appts, the mom's likely turning out well, the dad's likely leading to an APS call nobody will ever forgive me for 🤔 if I had to call the odds respectively. I don't know what happens after that (?)

tomorrow - kyle mckearny

"is a luxury only the unintentional can afford, and the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies."

losing sleep - ken presse yup

While cleaning, I moved one of the recliners cz Janis is barking at the space behind driving me fucking nuts, and I find an old rained on misdelivered bag of silks in my current size. "I dunno it's been sitting there months," he says. They're perfect. Things I really need and nice, like butter cotton cami sets. But the best are the silk slip dresses. The midnight blue one made me weepy 🥲. 

I fed him, left him as well as is possible, went upstairs and opened each delicate thing as if Jesus sent it all cz who else 🤷🏻‍♀️?

I'm lying around in a ribbed butter cotton (very thin and very soft, melty almost). Oatmeal (chaste) color. 

"babtized" (HOT shower) ft thank you Jesus

Update: hey Jesus, why? It's a trouseau.

Love has many ways to make an entrance. Sometimes it opens the door like a friend, with a predictable and comforting rhythm. Sometimes love washes over like a giant wave, powerfully sweeping us into its currents. "Saw it written and I saw it say / Pink moon is on its way / And none of you stand so tall / Pink moon gonna get you all." — Nick Drake, "Pink Moon"

Pink Moon - Nick Drake 

just my imagination playlist

all over you - bob dylan

"let's go"

The budget conclave continues. Past is best predictor of future behavior. So $ will flow to typical recipients. With a couple remarkable exceptions, it does not typically flow to me.

But. Still my NEH grant lives, one of the only ones not revoked. Because I knew what not to say, or how to say what I should not, so that $ flowed to someones like me, which REMARKABLY it still does. Yesterday, that was acknowledged by my department, in front of my shitboss🖕, and we laughed at my ability to get away with murder for them 💞.

Meanwhile, the "fuck, marry, kill" thought experiment continues. I was not expecting to feel the ways that I do about leaving for real. But I feel what I feel. If nothing else, I've learned to respect that. 

love is selfish - jack white

"a.m. chillin"

bonus tip: Buy stock in shower heads. The kind with a long hose, various settings. If I believed he understood female genitalia, I'd say that's a pretty clever move to distract us all for a spell 🤣. It'd be the first orgasms he ever caused 🤣. If he were really clever, he'd send such a shower head to AOC 🤣. Only fair, he's given her a headache! In fact, send one to US ALL. That might actually make America great(er) 🤔 lmfao

wow. 

I wonder how we feel about that

When you recognize the voice of your primal self, its needs become apparent. It's a communication that comes through the body and subconscious, leaning in a direction of wholeness, fulfillment and nourishment. The Venus retrograde can be mystifying, but when instinct appears, you can grab hold of the thread it dangles before you like the string of a kite, letting it guide you where you need to go.

...string that dangles before you...

I can't breathe - parker mccollum 

One day, which ngl I spent as stoned as possible at all times. 

Breathe 

Ok, first of all, although that job offer email came from Priest and Dean with verbal agreement from Provost, still, I ain't banking on it til I see a contract. 

But, if it's true, the first issue to figure out is housing. 

Everything included, furniture internet utilities whatever, I just show up. 🤔

Card of the day, which I take to mean that whatever is happening is clearing a path or perspective I am currently lacking in the love (any kind of) choices department

Lovers

I got that tarot deck, cards illustrated with antique anatomy art, from the Mutter Museum, where the conference keynote told us all about skull collecting, and there were bones and gross dead bodies all over. My field is pretty nifty, it's just the circumstances have been suboptimal of late.

A star that astronomers call EBLM J0555-57Ab is 670 light years away. Its diameter is the smallest of any known star, just a bit larger than Saturn in our solar system. But its mass is 250 times greater than Saturn’s. It’s concentrated and potent. I’ll be inclined to compare you to EBLM J0555-57Ab in the coming weeks, Virgo. Like this modest-sized powerhouse, you will be stronger and more impactful than you may appear. The quality you offer will be more effective than others’ quantity. Your focused, dynamic efficiency could make you extra influential.

😳💃😬😵‍💫😒🤣👁🪄 

2nd Update - 🤔 still Nope on taking this back - "at least once" would be more accurate 🤷🏻‍♀️

Update - I was going to take this post down after the panic abated, which it has. But 🤔. Nope 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I actually move away forever, don't you think we ought to fuck at least once more? She thinks in a PANIC..

FUCK.

With Nebraska omw back from a conference at which I gave him the "ring is off, I am pressing pause / see other people / however you feel best about it but it's time to face we aren't compatible partners, I do not want to live the way you do nor with you my way, maybe COworkers would have worked but it did not work for me, YOU AND ME don't work for me, not in a I don't love you way just not a good fit" schpeel which = bye, nicely, cz never burn a professional bridge. Now on route to NYS thank God, HOME!, even if I'm destined to be poor, fuck it I'm gonna go *dig in* and put this all behind me. Goddes even put Nebraska in the seat by the shitter and I got an upgrade 👍, not even seated together. A day in NYS, love on the dog and "hang out in healing" and he will be on his way, that's that. Then 2 seconds b4 we took off, I got the job offer.  Both of us moving to Phoenix. We both got the email at the same moment. The only thing I had a chance to text him was "I am not taking anything back!" My heart is pounding too hard to THINK. Seriously after a week at that conference where EVERYONE LOST THEIR GRANT IN REAL TIME panic at the emotional disco on top of all that, uhhhh, I'm kinda emotional labor exhausted. My whole world runs on grants. Grants and tuition (ie student loans administered by the dept of ed). I'd already lost sooo much of that, but nobody else had.  Then for days, boom boom boom boom punch in the face per hour to hundred of colleagues PLUS I'm like welp I went Mad Maxx a while back and all you did was text my sister 🙄 wtfever, and welcome to my world EVERYONE. Hell, now maybe you'll all break up too, better dating pool for me so 🤷🏻‍♀️....

Then this. 

You can't make this shit up. 

I'm in Detroit, my whole beinghood longing for NY and a legal joint, my HR 171, in the stupid fucking Sky Lounge he loves so much, imploding. 

gotta start somewhere

No.

"VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's an undeniable energy about you today, one that naturally pulls people in. As the star — charismatic, attention-drawing, naturally at the center of things — you have a responsibility to stay grounded and wield your power with compassion."

That's the same thing as the one I said I'd only post all year, right?

"VIRGO You're magnetic because you're honest, unfiltered and unapologetic. Just watch how it draws the right energy to you. Exciting love prospects align with the truth of who you are, proving that honesty is your most attractive quality."

Off to the HHC today in Philly. My people, all the other medical/healthy humanists. Where I met Nebrasks, who has since taken over that/my world. I'm meeting him there. 

Unless you are very recklessly in love, a handfasting should end with "as long as love shall last", not for all this life and the next (🤦🏻‍♀️), and it would have a pre-agreed cycle, like yearly, when we both ask if we both want to continue. If no, then you go separate ways with promises of enduring respect. We never got close enough for me to explain any of this to him, and of course he's never cared to ask me about my prior romantic life. So he doesn't know the rules, and doesn't know why I'd forever keep to them going forward. He had the grad student ask me yesterday, if you can believe it, so I did. The rule means you have to TRY bc it is not a given the answer will continue to be yes. I said no verbally for a year. Now I will invoke The No. And will then walk through that world like I own it. 

It's bound to go sideways, but all signs point to MY staying steady regardless and regardless and regardless 🙏 smib

Play me a song? 

little bit - larkin poe

a wish

aint wasting no more time 

you don't need no gypsy to tell you why

Consider that some who identify as "givers" really use giving as a form of control, obligation or power. It's not giving in the selfless way you think of it — it's transactional. When the "giver" feels they're not getting the response they want, they flip because their giving was never truly about generosity — it was about control.

tomorrow is a long time - bob dylan

My mother was discharged with 4x the dose of omeprazole and strict instructions about her behavior and dietary restrictions. My sister called and put me on speaker with her while she went in to CVS for the meds. The second sis wasn't listening, "I blame it on the salsa and [whispering] it was worth it." 🤣 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hemoglobin of 4.1 be damned, ya can't beat good Mexican food, despite the young Dr blurting 'wow, 4.1 is usually dead!'

I can (will) somehow deal with the clusterfuck that is my life. But I could not deal with losing my mother. (🙏 thank you Mary)

Today is a new moon and solar eclipse and the dregs of mercury retrograde -  start something new or better yet REstart. Rethink a thing. 

Mercury chases Venus into Pisces and conjoins with Neptune on this day of the new moon and solar eclipse. Inspiration flows like a tide, pulling hearts toward poetry, music and the kind of beauty that makes you weep. Every song is a love song, every brushstroke a confession. Love and art intertwine, each feeding the other.

🤔

 A gift of art: 

source (the Canadian accent 😂)

And music

kindergarten heart - shaina hayes

Dr: "hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers, hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers,hiatal hernia, cameron ulcers"

Jackie is the WORST patient, and most Dr's are like talking to Nebraska (head meets wall / eyes watch floor) - the combo is maddening 😵‍💫 Thank God for my sister 🙏

Dball - will this dog ever stop crapping liquid awful all over the floor day and night 😖...

And still with the flu B snot factories. Why is this flu giving folks nightmares? That's the worst symptom, reported by multiple people in different households, so it's definitely a thing :/ 

Let's check my tarot card ...

"handfasting" 

Don't see how that applies. All that is in front of me today is more illness, nobody listening, tears and snot and internal bleeding (mom's, mine is only psychological moral spiritual bleeding far as I know), with much dog shit.

dirty - mikhail laxton love this video...and now that I'm watching it vs just listening, there are trees on either side and dancing in the center 🤔 all that's missing is me?

Sometimes I really really wish I was pleasantly surprised (wrong).

coming home - old dominion what other way is there to kiss besides 'like coming home from war' now? 

Life needs to have some safe words, ya know? 

My mother has been admitted to hospital, upping the ante considerably even mid flu B hell. If my mother....

That would break me. I need a safe word for that. 

the war inside - tom morello ft chris sing it brother

I felt like an old candle that had sat forgotten on a shelf for years, frozen into the same lumpy awkward shape, dull with dust, but now here was the fire again, and I was softening and changing and finding I didn’t have to be that cold shape forever, and the wax was turning warm and bright again. He’d burn me away altogether before long, but it was worth it. ~ Hymn to Dionysus (a wish)

looking too closely - fink perfect with a little whiskey (breathe)

outside-time time

"in process"

❤️ Ears, my overtired driver 

 

"come here so I can get a better look" is what he called the piece, a charming title imo

I should be packing for WI, but I postponed into April. So. I'm sort of nonexistent atm, nobody expecting me anywhere. 

I am lying around on my stomach, healing and shopping for underwear. I can't get wet (my back, I mean) for 3 days in outside-time time.  #gameynaps starting now

right on time - brandi carlile 

I should have said something sooner. I should have told more truth. Sometimes you don't understand enough. And it's tricky if you want to be someone else, someone better. If you really do care but you can't...if you just can't.

"intention"

drop kick me jesus - bobby bare

happier alone - your hunni  

fuck it

rushmere - mumford & sons (semi-live) (official lyric alt)

Welp, Q confirms. A little less selling price but his commissions are lower so it comes out in the wash. If I can find a place to be that I like for 225-250k-ish, it's do-able. 

But. 

When it comes down to it, I'm trying to make decisions about how to get happier while working with a sad brain. Would moving make my brain feel better? The last time I did that, I moved to Lewiston and for a while it actually worked, which is why I'm hoping it would work again. 

But. It might not. 

We talked for 2 hours, 10 minutes about the house, which is fab.

"Are you ready to let go of what you've got left?" He recommends doing so, it's logical to do so, but he's not going to bullshit me, the look on my face is not one that inspires hope in the near future no matter what I do. He's sorry - do I want his famous secret cookie recipe? 

So. I try to just flip the script: What's the upside right now? 

Answer: Nobody has the right to demand anything from me. 

I love that part.

I can see getting mighty bored with that, tiz true, but I'm not yet. I can relax and just...think....

....that's a sexy luxury, right?

I just look at my 'historical architecture (sp?) lines' above my bed and Think Stuff confetti - charlotte cardin she read my mind

lalala listening to girly music about cowboys 👢

It's so obvious that I'm chagrined. Who has been there every time I moved to mark a moving on?

Q.

He's gonna hear the sob story like only he can - we always want the last decade back so we can refuck it. 💞

A frustrating amount of time has been spent waiting on that magical job. And the Priest did/does want me, as did the dean, which is validation of my work. They just can't get funding bc nobody can, including med schools. I told him I'd wait another month. March. Not 1 day more will I sit still.

Higher ed as a profession is fucked. Healthcare, on which my industry relies, is also fucked. I am smack dab in the middle of the "medical corridor" at the crossroads of fucked. Everyone says there will be 10k+ more jobs in healthcare to be filled here. It's been said so many times that it feels true. But it is not true. We may need 10k more providers, that doesn't mean that people want those jobs or that the funding to pay them will be there or that the schools that make providers will be able to keep doing that - all of those assumptions are simply wrong. STEM is not bullet proof; quite the contrary, it's a prime target. 

That will mean many houses will be foreclosed upon in places like this, college towns who bet the farm on false assumptions. 

They're giving NUR degrees away. All healthcare shortages will go this way, you watch. No such thing as free, so who is paying for it? 

Answer: assume you're fucked. THAT is the right bet.

But I'm pretty hard to kill. A difficult strategy environment feels like home, that way.

So. 

1. I want REAL, something to put my hands on, a lot, in every life category. To move on means to move physically, for me. It always has. 

2. And, I want out of the banking system entirely, my next primary res owned outright.

Q's situation assessment concurs with mine, especially about owning outright as good strategy despite my insanely low interest rate. I didn't think of this but Blowhard understands REAL ESTATE, and can arrange the banking system such that individuals won't be able to buy foreclosed properties. That is already difficult to do, and going forward it will be impossible in the chaos. Which means lien holders will have to sell in bulk. To people like Blowhard. 

That is going to happen. 

Q gives it 2 years at the outside before academics, the people who are the market for a house like this, realize they are not what they thought they were (secure). Sell it before any more of them get a clue. While the STEMs still think they're the smartest people in the world. 

Card of the day

"strategic planning"

Mark's best friend committed suicide. RIP baby blue - willow avalon

post yoga sweaty butt print - I took this same pic before once bc I thought it was funny, like a year ago ish. I took it again bc this time, I have so little ass padding, it's a twat print now (I need some ASS BACK / god dammit Ken 🤨)

 

Something went missing overnight, let's assume. I pulled the tower card yesterday too, so all signs point to a significant crumbling/collapse. 

All the kids have checked in, tho I am still worried about Ears, who has been sick for weeks and who is going to the dr again today over lymphnodes and paying out of pocket still because benefits under Blowhard just don't mean anything. That's not new, exactly. Getting sick to any degree in America at this point carries a high risk of a death sentence. That's only getting worse. Trend unchanged 📉

My employer might have gone under, but nothing in the news except that we have added "tumbling" to our sports, probably to add some estrogen to offset the always toxic lacrosse players. 

The impacts of royally screwing over all students, all student loan holders, all healthcare sector workers, (so basically everyone I know will) continue to worsen until folks aren't shooting just themselves in Mercy's ER.

Not new, any of that 📉

My anger feels spent, fucks to give gone, but that is not new. (Rage is perenniel.)

My not wanting to wake up to this same reality, not new.

My shopping for Bossy Bessy clothes over empowering undergarments for a job I don't have and a lover I (probably) haven't met, then buying nothing thus wasting my time entirely - status unchanged. (Maybe I'll buy the underwear.)

Real Estate, pondering it, making an appointment to look at something I almost certainly will not buy. (Ranch yes, fireplace no, sunroom no...), that's never new, so not that.

I could stand up and do something, or I could read in bed with dogs. 

"status quo"

Let's pray the Priest is well 🙏. He was delighted with this as of yesterday. I refrained from chiming in with "improvised are my favorite kind of explosive device!" (😇)

I'm stumped. Elvis has left the building, but I cannot identify Elvis. And all my imaginings about what (more) has been taken only work to piss me off / worry / upset me, which is very not new. 

Soundtrack, same old same old ft some attempt to shake my ass in the shower:

another day in paradise - cat v cat ft joyner (phil collins cover) boring 

gunnin - sean hayes better

P.s. I forgot, irony died. This is the campus read choice for next year, and we will be "expected to incorporate it into coursework covering any aspect of mental health".

"Trust, the willingness to be vulnerable to others, is an expression of faith that they will do the right thing. It is how hope lives between people." ~Jamil Zaki

How much trust do you have left on your dipstick? That's what I'm going to ask my students. In fact, I'm going to ask them all that today, extra credit for answering. But what if they don't know what a dipstick is (you'd be surprised / never assume they know anything). 🤔 I know, they can draw it, glass how much full?

just shy of fully eclipsed apx 2:15 a.m. 3/14/2025

This year's lunar eclipse on the worm moon resonates a theme of invisibility and humility. From a lowly place of diminished ego, more is possible. The reduction of self creates space for becoming. We wiggle our way into possibility. As put by Mary Oliver in her poem "Worm Moon": "The season for curiosity is everlasting and the hour for adventure never ends."

Lunar eclipses take something away. It could hurt. 

The Door - Teddy

My grad student texted, can we meet to discuss "men who don't communicate"? In trying to arrange a meet up time, I find that she is in DC with Nebraska. He "thought he mentioned it". (She blew him in.) 

"twatever"

sugar daddy - devon cole au courant 

a wish

They broke the silence with sighs and the rustle of clothing strewn on the floor. They broke the silence very gently, lazily, and they were considerate and very thorough. They were caring and tender and, although neither quite knew what caring and tenderness were, they succeeded because they very much wanted to. And they were in no hurry whatsoever. ~Andrzej Sapkowski

This is what being around him does to me. My body just kills itself, no resilience left. I feel physically awful. When did I get back from AZ? And it's taken me all this time to level back up to "adequate" physical health for 1 day. At a certain point, it doesn't matter why anymore. If every time you think about the other person or spend time with them, you feel awful, then as the Dr says "if it hurts to do that, don't do it" (duh)

Nebraska is in DC for the national humanities alliance conference and then advocacy day when you get to represent your state to members of Congress about keeping things funded. I would normally go with him. I did last year, and this year the idea of being in DC at all let alone over fucking funding - I mean, it's got to be INSANE right? Like meeting Flav, only different. If I were stronger. But I am not, presently.

Just talking about it brings me right back down.

It's going to be a very long year, I fear. 

He took a copy with him. Cz now all I do is tell him to stop fucking talking to me, but he does constantly, text text all day, I respond with barely polite monosyllables on the subject of work, while he also just bailed on paying anything towards mutual obligations (I am so never giving the dog back, no!), then at 1 a.m. he starts blathering about sending me breakfast (uh, do you know what any vet bill looks like, asshole? And wtf is up with men leaving me jeep payments? 🙄) until I have to shut him down AGAIN, no I'm not accepting bagels, go fuck yourself. "I am not interested in talking ON your terms or IN your terms." I suggested he go read this book, learn MY terms. Premise: you make me literally sick. 

It was the nicest way I could think of to say "you make me sick". 

I have a very annoying zit on my ass. Asstat karma, could that be a thing?  My skin is usually flawless, objectively speaking Italian skin just is. This is an estrogen gangbusters thing = the next dude is already on my nerves for not showing up by now lol 🤨 Let's call next dude "Ken".  God damn it, Ken 🤨

Funny story tho in which I am an idiot: hot yoga, afterward I'm in the shower, and I find this marble-sized zit back there and think omg I have buttcheek cancer !! then think that'd be a funny way to die, objectively funny😆 🤷🏻‍♀️ But no, it's just Ken 🤨

No song God dammit 🤨🙄

Talk. selena gomez ft benny blanco Talk is a balm.

I chatted with Toughie last night. Short term disability still not approved despite legal requirements to approve and provide it. Smart boy kept a voice recorder in his pocket, as did I, the pile of HR lawsuits pending gets bigger by the day. However, thanks to the Blowhorn, the NLRB is defunct = there shall be no protections of any kind for any worker, union or not, no matter what your contract or the law says. Until further notice, you should put air quotes around your "rights". 

We need to stay away from our workplace as much as we can atm to protect our health from collapsing. But that means forced social isolation. And after a while, that feels just as bad for us as the working conditions were/are. We miss each other and all our friends. Set a goal before coming back, I suggested. My goal: gain 10 pounds. If I gain 10 pounds and haven't moved to Phoenix, then I will return to campus next fall. And be an intentional thorn. 🤨

Protecting my own is one of my strongest instincts. Proof: hearing from Toughie did not turn me on, it was just a RELIEF, another one of us they failed to kill, safe for now. And that relief = I scarfed down a plate of Niagara Cafe like WHOA. I finally felt it again: hungry. I have been eating only by forcing myself to do so for many months. Hungry is very different than starving, bodywise. Hunger feels like your body is trying to live; starving feels like your body is trying to quit this life. 

Then I slept like a baby who strangles Kens 💤

 

"I'm going to strangle you."

I'm Just Ken - Ryan Gosling ft Slash (live)  💞

Cosmic rhythms are authorizing you to be extra demanding in the coming days—as long as you are not frivolous, rude, or unreasonable. You have permission to ask for bigger and better privileges that you have previously felt were beyond your grasp. You should assume you have finally earned rights you had not fully earned before now. My advice is to be discerning about how you wield this extra power. Don’t waste it on trivial or petty matters. Use it to generate significant adjustments that will change your life for the better.

Rob's weekly oracles don't count as horoscopes. He's not even pretending to know astrology, it's pure augury. I called in sick today. I feel "fine", but my heart knows better. 

wtf is HRV balance?

It's Fat Tuesday. I need to decide what I will give up for lent. (I wish I could put out a suggestion box.) Jerking off, methinks - not because it is "bad" but just to go without expenditure of my girly self down.

I've been thinking of "my demands", working within the circle of warmth emanating from that Priest, an almost voodoo charm he pulls out and lays on you in quick decisive affirmations ("I Needed, and Jesus sent you in a basket") , then you're in it before you even knew there was an it to be in, identified and conscripted. 

The demands I make next - of him of them of me of life - have to right my heart(beat). What does that?

Listening for answers, lying here in the quiet, phone silenced, calendar wiped. I can almost physically feel an assumptive answer, like "married". I don't know how to interpret that. I am certain no more diamonds will be on my left hand again. Ever. But I affirmatively consented to something. And I am not strong enough (yet) for whatever it is.

Turn on the radio. Maybe a song will be sent with some answers. I'll be here.

"dog pile"

Monday sucks. 

Unions submit 16,500 staffing violations at WNY hospitals to state Health Department and all that that implies.

my fave time, sleepy long morning coffee in bed with the mutts, soaking up what vit D there is alone on Venus

If you felt, in the weeks past, you could sometimes read the thoughts of another, that sense will be less pronounced in the new cycle. On the last day of Mercury's journey through the sign of intuition, we realize there's a limit to what can be expressed silently, sent with a look or on the wings of intention. Get ready to dig into a more direct style of communication.

Ok, let's "dig in". I mean, mostly I have either said all I had to say or have gotten no reply or both. So, g'head, lay it on me.

Jesus, is that you dawg? 

This would have been a great day for fucking all afternoon. 

I did my best 🌩 with all the rain on my libido parade. Finally made that dick butter. Starting with this one.

Ending (toxin shedding). Ingredients include witch tears and Italian tang.  Soundtrack (this dude slayed me today, and I let them fall fall fall 😭): east side of sorrow - zach bryan and Oklahoma smokeshow his/hers

More Time: ingredients include reblooming rose absolute suffused into the wooden lid underside northern attitude - noah kahan ft hozier

'Flutters', from the V-DAY horoscope (You'll soon have all the time and space to dive into the passions that set your heart aflutter.) Secret ingredient, girl drool training season - dua lipa (live) body talk - kane brown katelyn brown (behind the scene)

The soundtrack picked itself, Alexa dj'ing whatever by chance, mostly songs new to me - ones for crying, one for holding up/out, ones that were ready to flutter. Butters made in that order accordingly.

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