it's felt like a call almost twice kinda day, all day, for no reason I can name / put my finger on

I won't call even once, of course, unless I was dying. no, even then, not unless someone else (more important) were dying

why? 

I don't know why. because it's not my line to cross, if I had to say

it was a solid day, for me, objectively. my friend came over, he will build me bookshelves though he doesn't like not tearing down the walls to insulate, so we had to discuss my still often painful existential state, which I argued supercedes any practicality god damn it (if I have to be reasonable one more time so help me) because I need reasons to embrace the day I am in much more than I need lower heat bills, so I need books around me now for one thing, I need it to be now Craig, imperfect is fine, and moreover, I need something for my unspent mental and physical energy before I supernova - do you have any idea how many jokes I have not told in this horrible hamster wheel of sadtime? the loss to my personhood is incalculable - so I need a shed and a fence imminently because none of us are professors as we were, and unlike everybody around me, my professional identity is kinda it cz my personal life is well I. don't. have. one., so I'm  "someone's mom" which is lovely while also setting the bar at being vertical  (insert jerk off italian hand gestures anywhere btw), and I want a fucking shed more than I want insulation twatever, I want to rip a living soul into being or some shit, so let me be of service to pollinators for the love of. Like this. "Oh, I can build that for you no sweat, and could probably do at least a back fence." And that was it. Existential sand in my vagina noted. Answer: woodwork. 

Sometimes men are okay. He sure didn't want me to keep talking hahahaha and he can't just fuck me so thank god there are chores hahahaha.

Then I took Ears to the Misfits Xmas Market and we both went wild. He got this hat that looks like my eyeball and a punisher looking skull mug. I got 2 rare, as in I have never seen the like, spell candles. Gnarly ones. "Fear is excitement without breathing" type shit. And I met this crazy couple who grow/sell chakra oriented weed (comes with tea), and she can add reiki. I am down with alllllll of that. Yes. Feel better. I want it. 

Interesting note: They're out of throat chakra. Sold out all the time. I wonder if people know they're holding feeling with their throat fists? They have wondered the same thing. 

Then Ears 'n I hit The Steer for rib eyes. And continued to talk about how to exist. Of all the "sorts" of people that feel like mine, the self-marginalizing are def some of my folk. And his. And we pay for it, as everyone pays / is paying for something (half to death sometimes). I don't know why I felt 😭 half of today. I saw my therapist during one of my morning cries, when I know something bad but can't say what it is. She wasn't phased. Again, diagnosis: sane. There are guzzillion reasonable reasons to cry. 

What would happen if I couldn't be reasonable, if that broke? Could I break (free of) it?

can you believe that shit? status alive, wow. she gets it already.

Tomorrow, first sleepover. They're getting every present as just stuff here, like xmas installment one. I need more than one this year. I think I'm owed at least 2-3 that aren't 

like this.

prizefighter - mumford & sons February 13th - same date (give or take) - the rest of the LP will drop including a track with Chris, whose gritty growl has sung me through the darkness so many times. Whatever that song is will be the soundtrack for the end of the "whens" I set out to get, what seems like another lifetime ago.