streaming "Waco" 

Today
I saw teenagers on bikes and old people walking beagles, all too close and without masks.
I saw a garbage can belonging to elderly neighbors still on the curb 48 hours after pick up, and I wondered what to do.
I saw construction workers parked in driveways, skulking illegally back to work and spitting on the ground.
I saw a hanging basket of pansies and wondered, Where the hell did you get that?
I saw a young man in mask and gloves deliver beer and sandwich meat to my door for our dinner - he waved, I felt guilty, I tipped him more, I bleached the bag of ham (on the outside), and then worried anyway about touching/eating it (but we did).
I saw everyone on zoom looking like they had to pee and found out it was something called "fitdesk".
A friend texted me: "New game: your pandemic alcoholic name is your first name followed by your last name" and I laughed then coughed.
I smoked too much pot then coughed.
I started to think, I might never hug anyone again - the last person I held was TJ, midfight I scooped him to me and held on tight, a week ago. I was in a zoom today with NOLA Guy, remembering what it was like to kiss him, wondering if I would do it again today. Wondering if I'll ever have anyone's face that close to my own again. If I could put my cheek against anyone's, my arms long for the baby girl above all, I concluded. Hers would be my last hug if I had to choose one. But nobody gets to choose.

retro : when it was a choice