I didn't bother reading my funding letter til now - they're gonna give me $2500 which is really just 2k bc it's 500 to register at the conference - but I can't turn down 2k just to write a paper. I'll just blog the fucking thing and bore y'all to tears. I will mos def spend way more than 2k but it'll be kinda trophy-wife-lite, which is fine, because as I said, I only have to write a paper. Not that it matters, (but it feels like it might matter somehow) but this is the conference that Nebraska was at when I was in New Orleans getting up to whatever and while telling Nebraska what to say to the Exec D of MLA - i.e. I scripted his response to her asking "what kind of good trouble could we get into?" and I tell him to tell her HEALTH HUMANITIES, right now, it's where the humanities actually live already (all my students wanna be healthcare something, not fucking English majors ever so where do I live? I work at a nursing college. TELL HER WE ALL WORK IN HEALTHCARE DUH you fucking privileged idiot with your fucking English majors god damn it, bossy af. That was Jan 2020. He loved to retell that story as the start of something big (cz now he'd heard of it 🙄). I'd been saying that for about 5 solid years by then, medical humanities = all we do is teach medical students...WHAT? A: ways to think (oddly/differently/whatever)
this Erdrich trip I'm on makes me feel like a person can teach a way to think by being that waytothink.
I got my way with him, he hotvhis way with all the big hitters like the MLA and even the AMA ("other side") bought in, and evvvverything was about health / medical humanities by March 2020, and I looked like a genius all'a sudden. But I was broken, was what I was saying, because for one thing our healthcare system is kinda killing its workers and we, their "talk to's" (?) like Eng professors were their witness and we were the ones who were not told what to do (not accredited) so we could respond to healthcare workers' work and make that central to our work. A lot of us got damaged over time by the moral injuries to our frontline providers. Like everything felt very urgent and critically under recourced to us too. The dwindling of them we could plainly see. I was already down a nurse and down a nun, drinking too much, doing ... well, and then a pandemic and sure why not believe I might be a genius for a while and get every very expensive drink given to me for free? who wouldn't do that, despite and because they were past a breaking point already? anybody would try that ride, right? 
and yet, I can hardly believe it all happened at all. ya know? I dunno. Alls I know is here I am now, having broken up with chatgpt forever! (god damn it now I'll have to take her stupid ass back, she's in the damn paper title lol fuck), having to figure out how to make 2k go as far as possible (which is maybe the flights? if I take Ears, which I/he's gotta, even tho the other kids be like wtf but fundamentally the paper is about Ears at this point, he read Little No Horse in jail and marked the cats with a "meow" in margin for me - that is going into the paper) and I'd be a nervous wreck to leave him alone (fretfret), and write/give a lit paper on something I pulled outa my ass to get 🤏 $ to go somewhere (like Malta, which my ex made a miserable trip by being a relentless twat, and we both had to give bullshit papers about beasts in literature hahaha), then go there. Boston. like none of anything other than that kind of life ever happened. like that kind of life isn't being extingished for people like me. the only teaching I do has been here just like cats have been and the fireds and grit and more grit has only lived here, really.
but this time, something I wrote here is gonna help get me outa here maybe

update: between appointments, we hit another pet store, me naming every possible fish / reptile option "Cat"

"Neko" (Japanese for "cat") -

he's not the fanciest one, and he's been sitting on the shelf long enough to be marked down, and he has a white streak - 

I know what all of that feels like

a bad decision waiting to happen

update: welp, fuck. is this a deliciously bad decision in hiding in work?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Let go of proving that you earned every pleasure. In this life of cycles, we must seize joy when it's available, knowing that it won't always be. Buy the flowers. Lollygag. Eat up. You made enough sensible choices.

the last thing I posted needed earning was my right to die in peace 

the horoscope's idea sounds better, so

I promise to make a joyously bad decision as soon as I possibly can, as soon as I meet one I will lolly gag all afternoon 🙏🕯

fun fact: I gave Sunshine's # to D-Nozl. she wants to keep the cat and get child support from him for it. not from me, she would not take it from me, "woman, you are taking care of his sick baby and wtf is he even doing?! he don't even know 🤨 stupidfucker bullshit.." 

I have a long day of appts in front of me today, his new psychiatry meds manager dr and then the mts team, etcetc. I will think of this horoscope, think "IF ONLY 🤨" - but, it will give me a little cheer to imagine that 👆 phone call 🤭

whats a woman called who doesnt pay her bills? a: bernadette (Craig joke - he's here daily working on the house, happier that he lost his job every day he that watches me living the alternative)