all I want is you - the decemberists  coming out w a double lp tomorrow

there's a whole to-do list again today. we try to keep his to-do list short as possible atm. his care team agrees. we wrote together the polite "do not disturb" text(s) to his father last night. 

I told Ears the story of when I left EX, I sat in a chair one day and didn't move until I actually WANTED to do a thing - not cz it was next on a list or cz I had to or outa habit - looking for my self, what does it want really, even next right now? and I just sat there for hours til I had to pee / I really wanted to pee. sometimes you've forgotten yourself. he said (mostly to himself, as to a stranger) "what does it feel like to be bruno 🤔" and stared out the window.

I don't know that 👆, obviously. but I'm in charge of him right now, so we do it my way until he has a way: come back to your body first. the mind is weak, as smart as we all are that can be confusing, but it's true imo - it breaks, it lies to you, it is often helpless in the face of strong negative emotions, contrary evidence, brick walls - your mind is like the permanent child you have to raise, throwing itself to the floor in hissyfits when your body needs some apple juice and a nap. your spirit, let's assume it is entact, probably doing most if not all the work of keeping you alive. that leaves your body. it is present. get outa your head, ask your body what it wants. it doesn't want a drink, nope your pancreas does not want that until your mind trick(s)ed it, whispering like a gollum. see the diff? 

keep it simple stupid, I oft tell my self. try.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You put thought, labor and skill into the result, so of course you want someone to notice. (eh) Give people a chance to respond. (ok) And if it seems like they are missing it, or misattributing the credit, that's unacceptable. (eh)

fun fact: statistically, you're much more likely to commit suicide if you've seen your primary doctor for mental pain in the previous 72 hours. his care team told us that yesterday. that night, when I panicked and called huckforcats, we were dodging a bullet even more than I knew/know now. I am not overreacting to grippysock jail terms, in general, they assured me. (I have had every right to 🤯 over that shit.) 

I showed them the dr note - they'd heard about it, their whole operation had discussed what the actual fuck, looking at the artifact agog. and then delicately suggested it's a good thing I live here, not CT dad (right?). Yes. then we/he wrote the Do Not Disturb for a while manifesto.

they asked, When do the suicidal sparks (not intentions still, but remnants of HABIT) occur? "oh, like today driving past that one tree I was gonna wrap a very long chain around, then around my neck, open the back hatch and gun it to 100 mph." (👀) Did you get the chain? "Yes." (👀) Do you still have it? "No no," he laughs sweetly. 

me: your old jeep couldn't go 100 mph and now you're really not getting your car keys back for a spell

him: fair