update: no paperwork has been returned properly (again). the daily a.m. round of calls to check wtf then a following round of nagging once I get there. one of the many catch22s is once they let him out, they'll be even less accountable re legalities and benefits and I'll have even less access to anyone inside ecmc to manage those things. this whole set-up seems very much like pure punishment. it certainly is not "help" in any way a normal person would imagine the definition of that word.

"Our trouble came from living, from liquor and the dollar bill. We stumbled toward the government bait..." ~Tracks, Erdrich

bad night. it's like my body held it off until there was light, then gave in/out. spent half the night dumping calories outa both ends, napping between bouts of it on the bathroom floor. 

it's not about me. huckforcats said that at the start. and he was right. good advice for the state of mind I have needed. 

but this is happening to me too. my body is taking the brunt of that, mind and spirit being otherwise occupied. there is no way I'm still 104 pounds. I am swimming in my skinny clothes. if I can today, if discharge is tomorrow, I will sneak in a dr appt (bloodwork came back as expected) and I had extra shrink visit last night, trying to not ignore my body's burden (incl my brain chems) until I am sicksick. Ears can't afford "not about me" until I am physically weak. I can't weaken.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Don't be overly concerned with making everything easy for others today. Some need it, sure. But if you make yourself too useful to entitled types, you could be doing yourself a disservice, as they will never stop taking.

I will make anything easier for any Dr Asshat to mainsplain mental hygiene to me or whatever, just let the kid out.

Once he's out, I am imposing Martial Law of Reciprocity. 

I have made it my business to intervene and try to keep nursing students on track for forever, and I'm just not gonna do that anymore. No more methods of "grit," if you wanna quit, QUIT (run). Across the personal board, I'm not gonna care more that I'm cared for and I'm not gonna love more than I'm loved. I don't like transactional relationships, I do not like thinking that way, but I gotta reBALANCE. 

A lot of people showed up for me for this. My sister, thank god for her. But friends too, which I have felt bereft of but that's not entirely true. I don't get to see them like I used to, I don't get to have fun with anyone anymore. But they've been with me while I carried this and doing whatever they can for Ears practically. Friends who are left on site here, my boss and Union, have been going out of their way to protect me from work reprisals. Without all that, I dunno that I could have held up. And Ears would suffer a lot more if I failed to do so. 

"These systems are designed to break us not build us." ~ quote from public health friend yesterday. ECMC is brutal. Fact.