🫩

update: theyre shortstaffed today so it a new nurse from the chronic ward was hall monitor for lunch. and she told me more about my rights and what I can ask when I call and that I can request a family meeting..."I understand, I just unfortunately work here." I tried one thing at her suggestion, calling the nurse's desk to get an update on diagnosis and if there is any discharge planning occuring at all, which was a mistake, that just pissed her off. she called me nonchalant about my son's safety by asking anything. I can see through the door a hallway full of screaming, rocking, frantic mumbling - it's a fucking zoo he hides from in his room, but that might mean he's antisocial so go to the rec room and play airhockey with a nutjob. the doctor told him that suicide attempts that fail leave you worse off - soooo next time do it right? etc. my sister is gone now. I am alone now. and my son is in jail for having admitted he was depressed. any question asked of any of it will only result in more of it. which, I can see on his face today, is returning him to the hopeless that made him seek care in the first place. somehow, I have to "buck up" and stay silent both, and coach him to do so as well, the opposite of what we both assumed. he must fake fine til he makes it to always fine, and agree to anything to get the fuck outa there. straight up. 

act very sane.

and 🤔 I do not want to teacher-help anyone to become a nurse or doctor; that was a great career and now it can be over by my own choice. 

I don't want to get any harder hearted than I am at this moment.  

🙏🕯

-_0 ugh it can't be today yet. my brain feels sandblasted

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are like the universal key that can, with a certain amount of jiggling, fit into a lot of different situations today, so you can afford to be choosy. There's that one that will click like it's made for you.

bullshit 🫩 like me and security guards really hit it oft 🫩

VIRGO September 12, 2026 Conversations about money go surprisingly well this weekend.

ok that made me laugh 🤏 - highly doubtful - I haven't even gotten to the money parts except finding and paying his car payment - good thing I used to own his building so I know my way around it to fetch stuff out today (ugh) - I am not paying the rent cz he's not going back. in his case, I will catch all the fallout of this mess in the short term. the medical debt itself, no idea but it can't be good. and if I weren't ON THEM LIKE STINK ON SHIT his employer would surely prefer not to deal with fmla and he'd be uninsured then, really hard to get a FUCKING THERAPIST if that happened. I knew all this, I teach all this shit, how illness has to be contextualized in LIFE or you could easily MAKE IT WORSE, which is what they are doing and I am the body in the way of that like a speed hump. they wreck the person's outside-of-there life = a huge part of our homelessness population, leading people right back to ecmc but this time on medicaid / nowhere to go. 

and they very very very very much do not give the slightest shit. that's the part I didn't fully grasp until I was on this side of it. "educating" anybody about all this was a giant waste of my time. everyone knows and nobody cares.

upside: knowing that makes losing the teaching vocation easier. now I just want to get as far from all this as humanly possible. scrubs are the new police uniform (run)

color: bruised