(TJ "I'm proud of you" 😭 - she means for this crazyness😭)

so I called the union pres again, let's start over, 

you're trying to keep as many of our jobs as you can, I love you for it (I do love him, that is why this is not survivable) - 

what if I worked for free, salary paid as bonds in the school of med (monopoly) put that $ on the table and see what it does, cut the others' salaries: how much to get to 10+ of us staying with all of my $, what's that math? "how would you eat?, but also I don't know that any of the others would give up that much." yes they will as long as I go first. I've led you all to Crazyplaces, repeatedly, you know I can do it, if the admin will do it, I will get them to do it. go ask OUR SENATOR, tell him I said hello, we need outside pressure and someone willing to give up everything to make the point, I can be that person. "ok, let me go back ...."

my reaction to this has almost no practicality in it even though I am far from over the last financial catastrophe. I am 💯 worried about my sanity and my soul. I can't be "okay" watching the rest of them get shot. I cannot do that even if I don't get shot.

I'd rather get shot.

(I knew my father could make the shot if .... same x 9)

there is a THING, always, Aaron named it "Huck" and this is part of it too. Absence so palpable that it might as well live and breathe. I cannot survive that fucker if it consumes any more.

I know I just can't, I'll 'blow a gasket', ie Just Died. since I know that, all bets are off. 

crying on the phone, I had to, he had to hear me, I don't care how you take this: I can't live without you. he's seen me come 🤏 close, he's the one who knows I mean it literally. "ok, let me go back..."

it will not work 😭 but the offer might be batshit crazy enough to shift the conversation 🤏

I saw what I wanted in my life today, saw it, talked to it; today this is what I have 🫂 I can't let go 😭

card of the day, Death