The budget conclave continues. Past is best predictor of future behavior. So $ will flow to typical recipients. With a couple remarkable exceptions, it does not typically flow to me.

But. Still my NEH grant lives, one of the only ones not revoked. Because I knew what not to say, or how to say what I should not, so that $ flowed to someones like me, which REMARKABLY it still does. Yesterday, that was acknowledged by my department, in front of my shitboss🖕, and we laughed at my ability to get away with murder for them 💞.

Meanwhile, the "fuck, marry, kill" thought experiment continues. I was not expecting to feel the ways that I do about leaving for real. But I feel what I feel. If nothing else, I've learned to respect that. 

love is selfish - jack white

"a.m. chillin"

bonus tip: Buy stock in shower heads. The kind with a long hose, various settings. If I believed he understood female genitalia, I'd say that's a pretty clever move to distract us all for a spell 🤣. It'd be the first orgasms he ever caused 🤣. If he were really clever, he'd send such a shower head to AOC 🤣. Only fair, he's given her a headache! In fact, send one to US ALL. That might actually make America great(er) 🤔 lmfao

wow. 

I wonder how we feel about that

When you recognize the voice of your primal self, its needs become apparent. It's a communication that comes through the body and subconscious, leaning in a direction of wholeness, fulfillment and nourishment. The Venus retrograde can be mystifying, but when instinct appears, you can grab hold of the thread it dangles before you like the string of a kite, letting it guide you where you need to go.

...string that dangles before you...

I can't breathe - parker mccollum 

One day, which ngl I spent as stoned as possible at all times. 

Breathe 

Ok, first of all, although that job offer email came from Priest and Dean with verbal agreement from Provost, still, I ain't banking on it til I see a contract. 

But, if it's true, the first issue to figure out is housing. 

Everything included, furniture internet utilities whatever, I just show up. 🤔

Card of the day, which I take to mean that whatever is happening is clearing a path or perspective I am currently lacking in the love (any kind of) choices department

Lovers

I got that tarot deck, cards illustrated with antique anatomy art, from the Mutter Museum, where the conference keynote told us all about skull collecting, and there were bones and gross dead bodies all over. My field is pretty nifty, it's just the circumstances have been suboptimal of late.

A star that astronomers call EBLM J0555-57Ab is 670 light years away. Its diameter is the smallest of any known star, just a bit larger than Saturn in our solar system. But its mass is 250 times greater than Saturn’s. It’s concentrated and potent. I’ll be inclined to compare you to EBLM J0555-57Ab in the coming weeks, Virgo. Like this modest-sized powerhouse, you will be stronger and more impactful than you may appear. The quality you offer will be more effective than others’ quantity. Your focused, dynamic efficiency could make you extra influential.

😳💃😬😵‍💫😒🤣👁🪄 

Update - I was going to take this post down after the panic abated, which it has. But 🤔. Nope 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I actually move away forever, don't you think we ought to fuck at least once more? She thinks in a PANIC..

FUCK.

With Nebraska omw back from a conference at which I gave him the "ring is off, I am pressing pause / see other people / however you feel best about it but it's time to face we aren't compatible partners, I do not want to live the way you do nor with you my way, maybe COworkers would have worked but it did not work for me, YOU AND ME don't work for me, not in a I don't love you way just not a good fit" schpeel which = bye, nicely, cz never burn a professional bridge. Now on route to NYS thank God, HOME!, even if I'm destined to be poor, fuck it I'm gonna go *dig in* and put this all behind me. Goddes even put Nebraska in the seat by the shitter and I got an upgrade 👍, not even seated together. A day in NYS, love on the dog and "hang out in healing" and he will be on his way, that's that. Then 2 seconds b4 we took off, I got the job offer.  Both of us moving to Phoenix. We both got the email at the same moment. The only thing I had a chance to text him was "I am not taking anything back!" My heart is pounding too hard to THINK. Seriously after a week at that conference where EVERYONE LOST THEIR GRANT IN REAL TIME panic at the emotional disco on top of all that, uhhhh, I'm kinda emotional labor exhausted. My whole world runs on grants. Grants and tuition (ie student loans administered by the dept of ed). I'd already lost sooo much of that, but nobody else had.  Then for days, boom boom boom boom punch in the face per hour to hundred of colleagues PLUS I'm like welp I went Mad Maxx a while back and all you did was text my sister 🙄 wtfever, and welcome to my world EVERYONE. Hell, now maybe you'll all break up too, better dating pool for me so 🤷🏻‍♀️....

Then this. 

You can't make this shit up. 

I'm in Detroit, my whole beinghood longing for NY and a legal joint, my HR 171, in the stupid fucking Sky Lounge he loves so much, imploding. 

gotta start somewhere

No.

"VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's an undeniable energy about you today, one that naturally pulls people in. As the star — charismatic, attention-drawing, naturally at the center of things — you have a responsibility to stay grounded and wield your power with compassion."

That's the same thing as the one I said I'd only post all year, right?

"VIRGO You're magnetic because you're honest, unfiltered and unapologetic. Just watch how it draws the right energy to you. Exciting love prospects align with the truth of who you are, proving that honesty is your most attractive quality."

Off to the HHC today in Philly. My people, all the other medical/healthy humanists. Where I met Nebrasks, who has since taken over that/my world. I'm meeting him there. 

Unless you are very recklessly in love, a handfasting should end with "as long as love shall last", not for all this life and the next (🤦🏻‍♀️), and it would have a pre-agreed cycle, like yearly, when we both ask if we both want to continue. If no, then you go separate ways with promises of enduring respect. We never got close enough for me to explain any of this to him, and of course he's never cared to ask me about my prior romantic life. So he doesn't know the rules, and doesn't know why I'd forever keep to them going forward. He had the grad student ask me yesterday, if you can believe it, so I did. The rule means you have to TRY bc it is not a given the answer will continue to be yes. I said no verbally for a year. Now I will invoke The No. And will then walk through that world like I own it. 

It's bound to go sideways, but all signs point to MY staying steady regardless and regardless and regardless 🙏 smib

Play me a song? 

little bit - larkin poe

a wish