Ears: is that..??
Me: yeup
Ears: 😳
Me: it is somethin' to see him again
Ears: he looks ... 🤔
Me: like something cuddly wearing a nazi disguise?
Ears: is he okay?
Me: good question - my guess is he would angrily respond to the suggestion that he might not be, but 🤷🏻♀️
Ears: you have a lot of practice being scary af when you're not okay
Me: I'm doing it right now
Ears: so we might be projecting
Me: we might be
Us: (looking at the photo again)
Ears: I can't square the cute socks with the nazi vibe
Me: hahaha ya and if that's supposed to be a Hitler mustache, um
Ears: that's 1970s porn stache
Me: I love it 🤭 - except "maybe I'll put you in a mass grave face ft I give great face rides ft toasty toes", I can't quite land the plane
Ears: what happened to him?
Me: life
Ears: when did he send that?
Me: around 1-2 a.m. from a hotel somewhere full of hockey women in a lobby 🤷🏻♀️
Ears: what does he want? I don't mean that in bad way, just (?)
Me: again I'm just guessing, but maybe a really really good laugh (?)
Ears: you are really funny ❤️
Me: ❤️
Welp (so many of my thoughts start with "welp" lately - siiiiiiiigh), can't keep mulling the nazi duckling for a spell, I am about to have to save my own ass some more.
Nebraska lands within hours to fetch me for Phoenix, and to prime that pump I laid out a few hours worth of painfully honest shit that turned him into a sobbing mess, a rocky 'can we cut the crap?' start/end.
Some things are deal breakers with me. Not being able to stop pretending everything is fine/whatever is near the top of the list. I get it, everyone wants to live happily ever after, but acting like you are doing so when I am VERY CLEARLY NOT LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER RIGHT NOW is intolerable.
Gaslighting me. Deal breaker.
For happily ever after to be real, you have to be real. DUH. If you were trained to be inauthentic, I dunno what to tell ya, figure out how to fix your shit like a grown ass man.
I will not perform (fake) anything for anyone for any reason any more. No phase! And while he has a keeptryingdobetter somethingsomething meltdown, I gotta work.
I have so much expertise running rooms of 100+ people while looking scary while I am not okay while at least one man is driving me fucking crazy, I should start a consulting business: how not to be full of shit in front of people who are judging you while in a man's world while your own world comes apart. I can do that backwards and in high heels (boots).
How come it seems so challenging for others to keep it real just sitting in their own living rooms?
People confuse me.
Siiiiigh.
I intend to come back with a visiting professorship appointment. I intend to get financially independent, regardless. I intend to sell this house in the spring (assessed today) and buy myself a smaller one on a park. I intend to hold steady. I am going to kick this fucking life-mess of mine in the twat like a grown ass woman.
protection - colin james (ft lucinda) for me, LOUD in my truck ❤️