What ways are there to figure a life out? People depend on me. What THEY need are the deciding factors. But now one of their needs is for me to decide things based on my own needs, alone.
That is harder than you would think.
And I don't have anyone to talk to about it, really. Because I have nobody around me with the same problem. Sunshine hisses at me, for instance, always between jobs and broke, trying to make money with Youtube videos about vudu dolls. That is a very different problem, obviously.
For a long while, I missed Trainwreck and was still sick with open wounds of betrayal. And I knew someone with that same problem. Now the person that Trainwreck was when he was with me has fluttered out. And my wounds have healed into hot pink scars that will presumably fade over time. I will become less unsightly on the inside, maybe even compelling like a cowgirl with the marks of hard adventures written on her.
My new problem is: This is it. Now what? And it is a rare problem on this planet. To be a woman with the privilege of that problem.
The Girl told me a story yesterday: On Facebook, a woman had run an experiment. She didn't get out of the way for men, like while walking in hallways or through doors. She got smacked into something like 40 times so far. I never get out of the out of the way, they move and I stomp by, it would have never crossed my mind to run that experiment.
I have been this way, and here it has gotten me. I own the island of my life as far as a regular person possibly can. The only thing I can't have is a sane stable lover who could talk to me of all of life while I run fingertips over his skin (apparently). So. I look at what could be had, and think: Now what?
I dunno. Until I figure it out, I work on the committee that's trying to put a free health clinic on the west side (refugee central), etcetc. I fill my time and try to be helpful. But in my head, to be honest, I just have no real idea what to Do With Myself.
