feel something - madi diaz 

found her, as I knew I would. and she is POLISH (heard no English among those folks)

"February 15, 2026

Virgo. You’re smackdab in the middle of Cupid’s crosshairs as the Capricorn moon glows in your amorous, joyful fifth house. The ice cream parlor of life has an abundance of flavors, but you keep coming back to your favorite scoops time and again because it's so nice to have predictable, dependable sweetness. Taste is self-knowledge."

snort. ya, not-it is not-it, I am fully aware. but Stewarts' heart is married to hating Shitty-Vanilla. and I am committed to putting myself 2nd altogether until this is over. so it's not even a thing rn. (reboot)

the kid was up all night with pain - I am not sure why the pain would be going up, guessing nerve feeling coming back (?). a sneeze nearly killed her. 

I am to find cbd relief today, praying there is a dispensary in Little Poland cz it's freezing. I am mos def not going home as I was praying to be able to do. the couch, the cats - emotionally I am rock steady but the homelessness couch surfing part is kicking my ass. 

I knocked her out with klonopin finally. 

I am very tired, but this is testing my post-breaking body and mind, finding sturdy. I am not even smoking weed. I decided to take a thc break while I was here. I went California sober forever ago, and that worked well. but twas a time that weed = horny/hungry. it no longer has that association, for obvious reasons. so, I wanted to kinda clean the slate, decouple smoking a joint from end of day wind-downs, get it out of my system entirely. (reset) I ain't gonna go to Baskin Robbins, but something's gotta give, of that I am also fully aware. 

before I left, at home with Ears smoking a joint, listening to my cowboy-longing music, I was like, when I get back, for a little while, it's gotta be all about me. ya know? mannny times he's been my only witness and only help, through umpteen needs and emergencies of his siblings, punctuated by funerals and firings, until god only fucking knows what is left of my capacity to need anything.

nobody is gonna die, or like Patti and my dad, they ARE gonna die no matter wtf I do. so. enough is enough is enough. 

ears: 😂 totally

me: you can turn me down, you're good, but the rest of everybody

him: 😂😂 I can't say anything not-mean

us: 😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂

me: so, like, I will want holes dug in the garden - OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER 

him: go for it!

me: they're either gonna include "and what might you need?" in conversations, or they're just gonna have to fuck off a while

him: FAIR

me: grandma still gets to boss you around tho

him: also fair, and I will dig whatever holes you need in the garden

me: dude, if another whole season goes by like this, I am starting an insta for you: "THE ONLY GUY WHO ACTUALLY SHOWS UP" 

us: 😂😂😂😂

him: that'd be mean AND funny cz I'd have to show you how insta works 

us: 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️

me: ya, that irony would be my first post 🤣😵‍💫 fuckin' a 

Verlaine, we really have to stop meeting this way

she rolls over for bellyrubs like Dball except those back legs wrap around my arm, claws out, "don't stop" - I get that! 🤣 - I have just accepted gluecrusty eyes and hives in my armpits through our brief affair

I look homeless ft my eyes are swelling shut

Be who you are.

Love who you love. 

Be as brave as you need to be to do that.

If you fuck up, say you're sorry.

Know better so you can do better. 

#grit #translated

I am very sorry that I took my dad's valentines for granted.

this feeling - alabama shakes

Today goes deep with the soft, expansive connections, naturally encompassing all forms of love: romantic, platonic, self-love, family and even love for the world or creative projects. This dreamy day is ideal for heartfelt gestures, poetry and soulful conversation. Out: performative displays. In: Being fully there with every sincere cell of you.

A poem:  "Look at me, look at me, look at me now. It is fun to have fun, but you have to know how." — Dr. Seuss (I might need a minute, but am aspirational)

5th day sleeping in and under my clothes on this grodyass couch

We aren't counting days. Years is a better way to count on timelines of magnitude. And today feels like a good day to put a stake in years, astrologically the first day of my after-breaking. 

I looked at last year on this day. By comparison, honestly, sleeping under my coat and taking pussy/pit showers and having tenuous faith 🕯 that everybody is going to make it to spring alive is FINE. I can hack this for that. np 

There is a spring day coming, the sun will be warm on the mud smell, Ears ❤️ will open the cottage for the year, I'll plant a new garden with a big pot of chives, dogs and kids will run around getting filthy, I will pick a hanging basket of flowers. I'll see Huck in the flesh eventually and hug him and just feel his solidity still on this earth ❤️. I will see my mother and she will see her wallpaper and say "OH MY" the way she does ❤️. I am sure there are many hard things ahead, but still. To plant a stake in Aliving, I booked Tawista this morning.

scrapbooking tbd, gonna walk around Little Poland, maybe even find a Mary 🙏 

     “That’s what’s hardest to deal with in a way, the way the physical difficulties lead to emotional difficulties, and there just seems to be no way out of it.”

     Would he want people to ignore the illness, and talk about other things? Or would he want them to talk about the illness? Or would it not make any difference what they said?

     The way he imagines it, more than anything else he would perhaps feel very lonely—he would feel that he was facing this thing on his own, and that whatever anyone else said, or didn’t say, the fact would remain that they weren’t facing it, and he was.

~Flesh

me: this will have to end, ya know? 

 

her: everything ends

Im'a stop breathing if I keep this up, but it's hard to argue with devotion and good looks and philosophical acumen and claws lol 🤧🤧

good thing I brought the emergency inhaler, fuckin a

Saturn moving into Aries is a big astrological moment, and Friday the 13th adds a subtle flavor of intensity and reckoning. Things may feel a little ominous, but it's really about facing what's real and cutting illusions before moving forward. On the pre-roll for Valentine's Day, take heart. Face fear with courage, especially if it involves love or commitment.

I completely forgot. Today is the day it's supposed to be over. The giant ass whooping written in the stars for me. Had something to do with Saturn 🤷🏻‍♀️. Astrologist told me a lot about it that I no longer remember bc I no longer care bc it whooped my ass until my brains were scrambled eggs 😵‍💫. 

My heart stops breaking, that's all I remember. Today. Then, now, it's all about bringing down "the hurty", what my daughter calls her face atm.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are exactly where you belong, doing what you're supposed to be doing. Go with it. No analysis necessary. Once you assume this is true, what else might be true? That you can trust the instincts that brought you here?

Love brought me here. 

Across the board.

Verlaine ❤️

drinking my coffee from whimsy 

 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're open-minded, flexible, amenable... and you still should try to get your way. Sometimes your way is just better. Today is one of those times when all will benefit when you politely advocate for it.

uh oh. and everyone always looooves that, too 😂. 

during one of those how to be in leadership things they mailed me off to, they had a bunch of personality tests. I was there with a coworker friend who scored like I did, only I was worse. she since re-assigned her gender to non-binary (they/them), left academia, went into a MFA program (I wrote a letter of rec), and leads a rock band. the difference between them and me is that while we were both extremely introverted, down to the 1%ile of the population in every inner-turning way, the very last thing they had that I did not was a dose of "campaigner" = free-spirited party thrower. my dollop was "advocate" = spiritual idealist. my employer thought that was a great thing, because translated into leadership it meant the capacity to "inspire". they didn't read the fine print, my complete disinterest in inspiring anyone to accept shit. it's kind of funny to think how much money they spent sending me through "trainings", as if that was gonna work some fucking miracle 😂

Yesterday in the waiting room for hours and hours, I was with my daughter's friend. she was sitting right next to me, and at her age they live all online, so we didn't talk, because it was as if I wasn't there, and that suited me. when I wasn't reading, I was listening to the other groups of people who were in the waiting room and what their loved ones were "in for", everyone trying to understand the health prison sentences that had been brought down on the heads of someone they loved. nearest to us was a brain tumor, and the waiting friends and relatives read aloud from their phones about what that even is or how someone might get it out, saying the "aggressive" in a quiet wincing way whenever it was in a sentence. 

I made a note to myself to add "aggressive" to my list of gritwords, and to ask my students what they think of it. 

In bill burr's most recent comedy special ( cannot recommend it enough both because it's hilarious and wise ), he talks about how the only thing he could do for a living was to be a comedian because what he does all day is think, and think about thinking, and keep reflecting on everything until he finds the fucked up thing(s). so there are two things I could have been when I grew up - a stand-up comic or this, whatever they're calling my job these days. have you noticed that everybody wants to rename stuff as if that changes the stuff? like we don't "brainstorm" anymore,  we "ideate" 👀 - everyone wants professors' heads on pikes over politics and "educator" is equally suspect -  in my last grant, I called myself a "healthcare workforce developer" 😂

at closing time, we bid goodnight to alllll of the nurses my daughter had made friends with, trading tips about places to try/go in Southie - always be nice to the nurses (!). good girl

Today, I'll go get her and bring her back to the cat palace and sneeze my brains loose and get bloody noses and binge gay homoeroticism, until my daughter is well enough to start correcting all of my opinions. she is in her roommate's phone as "source of correct opinions" 🤣 oh my god that's so perfect. and when she starts doing that, I'll know I can go home (she's fine). as I write this, she's already texting me about what I am to go get at this deli and that to please her within the bounds of a clear broth diet today. in other words, she's bossing me around from the hospital bed she's still in down the street 🤣 . 

it really is funny how we are all so much ourselves, and yet it takes us a whole lifetime to figure out how to do that fully. 

these trans kids are the inspiring ones, in alllll their personality types 💓

"....caught in the border between different bodies." ~ The Hounding, Kebobe Purvis

As my daughter had her jaw slowly scraped away and then the sides of her face sewn together beneath her tongue to heart-shape it, I read a novel about girls who turn into dogs, but not really, they just want to be unrestricted girls, so they become dogs once kicked like curs for it. I think my daughter could do that - she can do anything. 

"Girls—normal human girls—people could contend with; they were weak and small. And dogs too could be trained. But girls who became dogs, or who let the world believe they were dogs, were either powerful or mad: both monstrous possibilities."

A lot of people believe that being trans is monstrous. Rights, safety, respect - all the civilized things - have to be faught for. The world's fear of trans people must be allayed, practically speaking. But tbh, my heart says if your gender is so fragile that someone else's freaks you out, g'head and cower. 

If I feel short on the will to do any more Aliving, I hope the kids all get my share 💓. But I think I just gotta be brave enough to keep turning out too.

youre gonna make me lonesome - shawn colvin (dylan cover) deep childhood (hers) memory cut - she didn't believe me

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Everything good around you was, at an earlier juncture, a complete problem for someone. Fate is the culmination of one solution after another. So don't worry about the difficulties of the day. Every last one is an opportunity. 👀

It will be fine. I will probably have to hold patience on my face for a bout of physician mansplaining or two. Then leave her there, for the best but prolly hard. Then navigate to a Marriot to escape the unwanted unrelenting 💓affections of a black cat named Verlaine, whose ass was the first thing I saw this morning #COUGH  (aside, only I know these cat names came from a Dylan song oddly). I dunno what my night looks like, but it will not include watching Heated Rivalry tg. 

https://youtu.be/4CEsgRAFk2I?si=0NrFVybsVwy7bRlB bonus track, what my care duties will include (TJ never ever tells me the whole story until after I've agreed to it, as if I woulda had a choice anyway 🙄🤷🏻‍♀️)

cat ass

clay pigeons - john prine 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Countless similar moments blur together, but when something brings up a feeling in you, a memory is born, too. Someone who is emotionally available can turn ordinary moments into a vivid experience. Their access to feeling invites your own.

yea. I need assistance in the feeling stuff department. 

I need a patient lover. Straight talk. Someone who can give me a minute. I was averse to any/all adult touch that wasn't strictly necessary for the entire last chunk of my life, all of the last relationship I was in. Like a hooker, no kissing. That's a crazyshitty thing to do to yourself.

I know I'm in here. I mean, spooning, when it felt needed, I could need it right back. But I am broken in this way. I make a lot of dickbutter because I am trying to imagine any touch that is just for the sake of touching, and I often cannot or I cry trying. I can remember. But I can't easily imagine. It takes concentration to imagine holding a hand, and I had to use memory to do it. 

As urgently as I wanted to STOP DYING, starving being how my body was deciding to check me out of the whole clusterfuck, now I am tentatively but palpably hungry. And it's been so long that I am afraid I will recoil, like how after famine people can't digest anything. No, I know I will be some kinda like that. And I need somebody who wants to touch me enough to let me get there. And it'll have to be someone to whom I can tell that, or it'll be too easy to hide in transactional sex of short duration, which would only make me sicker in this particular, and I can't afford that either. And on top of all that, I am both standoffish and proud. I might feel like I turned myself into the touch-equivalent of a rescue animal, but that is something I can fully hide.

Even Huck. Now that he does not need to be held shaking or his brow smoothed, my tendrils have retracted. He does not want me to touch him, and responding accordingly I do not want to, retreating to the way back of my crate. I love him, that's a hell of a thing, and that will not budge #family. But I am glad I am putting 8 hours between us for a while physically. He won't have to push me away from there / I don't want to put me on him. 

I am grateful to Huck for putting me in a better headspace to care for TJ. I am leaving tomorrow and will stick that caregiving out til she gets to the other side, happy with her choices being as strong a feeling as the pain is. That will be good. My daughter and I both looking for that line in different ways together. And oatmilk 🙄

After that, I should be taking the full measure of my own damages before the breaks knit unset. 

playing with my hair, just to get used to it being touched

I got a full chakra set, medicinal tea and strain combos. I am putting them away until I can and want to explain why I got 2 of that one.

lose control - teddy swims I just like looking at him #solid 

the 'oyster' 

meantime, fuck my life up again - marcus king big sobriety advocate, killer guitar player, and he nails the seductions of addiction, how it is challenging to communicate with an addict in not-their-languages. 

"catbird mexican stand-off"
cat: you're bothering me.
bird: how could I avoid that and still exist?
cat: 😶
bird: 🫥

"I drank in an effort to quiet down the demons from years of trauma and abandonment that I hadn’t learned how to cope with yet... alcohol helped to summon a muse and overcome my social anxiety." ~ Marcus King

🫶

The End of an Era (2011–2026): Neptune in Pisces was a time of immense spiritual growth, disillusionment, and surrendering, particularly affecting mutable signs (Pisces, Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius).

The Shift to Action (2026–2039), 

Significant Dates: While a preview occurred between March and October 2025, the final, permanent move is January 26, 2026."

"When Neptune leaves Pisces on January 26, 2026, the "cosmic fog" that has lingered since 2011 finally lifts. This shift from watery Pisces to fiery Aries moves everyone from a phase of dreaming and surrender to a 13-year cycle of bold action and personal sovereignty."

Impact by Zodiac Sign

• Aries: The individual enters a "main character" era. As Neptune enters Aries, identity undergoes a profound spiritual reset. A strong push to turn private dreams into a visible, physical reality will be felt.
• Taurus: The focus shifts inward to the subconscious. The individual enters a cycle of deep healing and spiritual retreat, where intuition becomes the strongest tool for navigating the world.
• Gemini: Social circles and future aspirations are transforming. The individual is encouraged to dream of new ways to exist in the world and use visionary ideas to inspire others.
• Cancer: It’s time to step out of the shadows. Neptune illuminates career and public image, inviting the individual to build a legacy that aligns with the highest spiritual values.
• Leo: Worldview is expanding. A drive to explore new philosophies, higher education, or long-distance travel is felt while seeking a deeper meaning for life.
• Virgo: Relationships become a spiritual classroom. The confusion faced with partners since 2011 clears, allowing the individual to build deeper, more authentic intimacy and shared resources.
• Libra: Empowerment comes through partnership. The individual is learning to balance their own needs with those of others without losing themselves or over-idealizing the people in their life.
• Scorpio: Daily life and health get a spiritual upgrade. The individual is motivated to find the "sacred in the mundane," turning routine work and self-care into acts of personal empowerment.
• Sagittarius: Creative joy takes center stage. The individual is entering a phase of intense self-expression where they act as a vessel for creation, following passions wherever they lead.
• Capricorn: Focus returns to home and foundations. The individual will feel called to create a legacy and a living space that truly reflects inner needs and family aspirations.
• Aquarius: The mind is the new playground. Expect a surge in intellectual curiosity and a drive to improve how to communicate and share "bright ideas" with the community.
• Pisces: The 14-year identity overhaul ends. The individual gains massive clarity as the fog lifts, shifting focus to self-worth and financial security—essentially learning how to "cash in" on dreams. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Shift from "Is this right?" to "What's actually happening?"

What's actually happening? 

"wannabe bayou" is the paper's name, mom and Ears picked it

I am gonna read some more about astrology, "A relationship that causes you to continually override your own instincts and feelings is not sustainable. Work that offers you relief only when you sleep or dissociate is abusive. Stop asking, 'How can I do this with less strain?' and start asking, 'Why am I doing this at all?' Now is an editor with scissors: no crossing it out, just cuts."

Virgo - Today, your ruler, communicator Mercury, sails into your partnership zone until April 14, prompting you to connect with other individuals. Whether you need to get something out in the open and hash it out together or you’ve just been out of touch with a few people who matter to you, start the conversation. 

😶 I'm practicing my listening skills. 

💔 I cannot stop seeing that kid in the lewiston top's check out - pneumonia should not be killing any of our kids 

"good intentions" 

 

"underneath" (secret mural)

hot n cold - katy perry Bug's song-gift for me today

"watcha thinking?"

Theory: we unwittingly co-created a monster, a voraceous Void of some kind; it was lurking til life got hard; then it scoffed at the "for worse" that lovers vowed; it scoffed at our mettle alone; it tries to eat my liver still; it has turned the thing we loved the most, Everyday Life, into a trial, lonely stasis interrupted by continual crises navigated with shattered minds, punched down hearts, sick spirits, and breaking bodies.

One might say, "that's just growing up". But I was a grown up, I was born old, Methuselah (is your type). So No. 

That Thing waits for me around every corner. I want it to come closer now so I can stick my head in its mouth and detonate. Like Titus flying into bits, the dirty bomb version of 'going to pieces' #grit

"It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice." ~ Heart of Darkness No.

by and by - caamp 

 "To write about a struggle amid the struggling. I know you don't like me to ask what's brought you here." ~Yiyun Li

self talk

man, I wish he was here so bad rn

this is the kinda shit that I never figured out so I just gave up - the 'closure' work - my instinct is not to go toward people in pain, at all, like I'ma dial 911 - unless it's family, especially a kid, and for my mother it was my dad. so this urgent wish to be nearer to him atm is, like, I dunno. see? I dunno what that is. even when all other threads between us are clipped, that remains, cz here it is. decoupled, obviously, from any other intimacy, still it's there. AND to be blunt, I did not have that towards other men I've fucked at all (hahahaha omg not even 🤏) cept maybe the Greek but oof he hated that so I repressed it from the get. Nothing like this. So, I mean, it isn't that I like to rescue dudes w broken wings or whatever like some women do. It's not because I am so inclined, generally. It isn't contingent on fucking, exactly. I just very badly wish he were here right now, crabby or drunk or day 4 talking like a sausage if necessary, asleep would be great, just safely where I could see him would be good. Be good for me, it's entirely selfish, I get that too. 

I dunno what I'm gonna do, nothing prolly, options seemingly none but wait, I am just idling high 🏁 alert (and smoking his housewarming blunt), staring into the fire, thinking at him, not these words, other ones, wondering if he hears them. then I wonder if he hears my mother. then wonder if so, does he talk back? then I shut up a while.

I gave myself a sunburn with the nicole face thing #dork

I am going to Montana for a week in July. With my mother, sister, neice - we've all watched Yellowstone a buzzillion times, the RIP fucking scenes a buttbuzzillion times 🤣. I dunno what possessed my sister. Intuition at least in part. She didn't know the only candle I found yesterday was for "cowboy getting" cz I need something warm and real and smells good, like leather. Like alive. 

https://homes-and-villas.marriott.com/en/properties/40456228-big-sky-cowboy-heaven-luxury-suite-6c

maybe there is an ideal porpotion of boot time : everything else = tolerable
what do u think?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Refinement involves repetition. It's a thousand small moves to polish the surface. It's the 50th read, the dozens of meetings, the comb-through, the edits after the final edit. Refinement is what sets you and your work apart.

ok but 50? I mean...

The statistical distribution of serious recovery attempts was highly skewed with a mean of 5.35 (SD = 13.41) and median of 2 (interquartile range [IQR] = 1 to 4). Black race, prior use of treatment and mutual‐help groups, and history of psychiatric comorbidity were associated with higher number of attempts, and more attempts were associated independently with greater current distress.

SO, either 5.35 or 2, not 50. 

It takes 5+ if you're Black. the average may be substantially lower than anticipated because cultural expectations are often based on AOD problems being “chronically relapsing” disorders implicating seemingly endless tries  English: if you're treated like someone who will relapse cz you're culturally coded as "like that", you're more likely to, and if you're Black that's how that goes. 

HOWEVER, the provider in this case is himself essentially, who has called the patient (also himself) a piece of shit umpteen times, with court documents asserting same to boot, so which 'model' of disease has his 'culture' internalized? The chronically relapsing model, presumably (?)

See why I don't trust this? On a weekend = high risk of "current distress" always. Globs or kids, it'll be distress. I gotta hope his mom is feeding him nothing but positive messaging - uhhh - my mom yea, his mom? She might be pretty drained herself by now w the dad foot and no iberostars, to be fair. 

This has nothing to do with "faith" in him. The cards are simply stacked against his being "ok" today. Impaled is statistically more likely. 

babe, thats only for pretend!!

in my mind - ken presse throwing some crows at it

mint tea - johnny blue skies "bandaids on bullet wounds" sounds like Huck's next R&B album 

"yesterday was the most contented connected happiest day of my life so far" 10-11-2011 

Some things never change, like twenty minutes waiting on her fucking hair-do .... reading astrology, Neptune started shit in 2011 ... 

After telling her about this supposed huge celestial event, and rereading the related year as she dicked around with her clip-ins, I declare 2011 was worth its weighted blanket in gold. "Are you sure you know what the full price is yet?"

😳 🤔 I do not. 

What I do know is: He is sick. Helpless / useless re that is hard on me. Like a deathly sick kid only different but not that different, and I can provide no comfort. So I want to be home alone with my Worry under a plush throw making 🫂 collages.  

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's wise to acknowledge the limits of one's own knowledge. You avoid the moral or intellectual self-righteousness that might narrow thinking and shut down learning. People who stay curious and open tend to be more constructive than people who are rigidly certain.

That is exactly how I wound up hanging out with witches. Radical left turn into ways of thinking/being/knowing that were foreign to me. If I knew everything, I figured, shit would never fall apart, so obviously I need to know a bunch of stuff that I don't already know. Logically. Right? 

Today, I have to pay the price for yesterday. I don't mind doing that, I just don't know what all it will entail. Hanging out with a voodoo priest that Sunshine wants to hang out with is part of it, across the border in my more reliable car, at a bookstore that's really a bar that's really a conjure craft space in disguise, where I can buy candles. Fun fact, 7-day candles are sold out here. Seriously, unless you get lucky with goya, the only kind that you can get are at the dollar store (shit).

I have used every devotional candle that I owned. I've said all I've got to say to Mary right now, and her candle last night was flickering like a motherfucker, which I took to mean she's already "on it" and meeting resistance - i.e. she doesn't need me up her ass. So I'ma going across the border for the first time in honestly I don't know how long, and not going to IKEA (!), which .... well I am in new territory, put it that way. And I have to wear a skirt because on the way back she wants me to change my energy by meeting a salsa instructor 🫩. 

Those are some personally high prices to pay for new candles and some herb plants, just sayin' lol. But a million little things "ain't gonna do theyselves". 

pour booze down the drain / have these stashed from the Italian market in the falls - does that gesture make any sense in a world where I couldn't feed him soup anyway? It only makes sense if you can imagine the world between us, all around us, filled with threads. I snip one and then pull another one through, make a knot. Do that enough times in enough ways, and you have woven something new entirely, eventually.

song tbd 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless you've been through it, you have no idea what it feels like. And unless you've loved such a person, you don't know anything about that either. 

I can see from the spelling he's shaking. 

It's day 3 now. Past the hairpin turn of day 2.

We'll be counting days this time. 

Can you imagine 365 days? In that time, if you do some version of full monty quit: telling Everybody to put eyes on your self, out the silent suffering closet ya go (hey, you didn't transition, and even if you did 🖕), the right antidepressant so your junk works n you don't ideate beyond what is literarily necessary, vitamins, real therapy. You can feel sound again. And anything might happen. You might accidentally get kinda hung up on an ex whom your mom adores and try to perform soul-cpr via dream fucking. And/or date therapy chickens (fish, goats, cats, a rescue horse), ya never know. Anything!, z'all I'm sayin, the world's your oyster 🦪. At the very least, it could have oysters (or clams) in it.

her: we could ...

me: no

her: how about ...

me: no

her: well what are you doing?

me: freezing and waiting for a final death blow 

her: hahahaha, we could...

me: no. look, there is no way I am putting on liptint. Not even for you 🫩

her: hahahaha okok that's fair, what if I brought herb plants? 

me: I told you, I couldn't find any

her: I promise we have them up here, poor people don't buy that salad eatin bitch stuff up

me: ha ok, I bought sweet windowsill pots, it's making me weepy 😪

her: dill?

me: maybe look for chives

her: ya know you can regrow green onions 

me: 😪

her: awwww, ok I'll find you some herbs

me: and get more candles

Voila hoodoo. Bwitches come through when your ask is real. Cuz we do not ask in the first place, do we eh?

This isn't a spell, although I don't think the chives hurt as a typical charm offensive. There are two reasons for doing this kinda work. Both are for seeing 👁 in the dark. 

#1

What I scry (see): Some of the flames are steady. Some are sputtering. There are a couple that I've had to relight twice. Those things have to do with faith in it. 

Walt Whitman hasn't flickered once, not once. 

"I swear the earth shall be complete to him or her who shall be complete." is what that says. The statue itself stands for "this is not the easiest thing I could have done (for you)" - neither wavering at all

#2 

Sometimes the body/mind is too sick and the soul has to go someplace else for a little while. Someplace safe until the body feels better to come home to. You "leave a light on" so it can more easily find someplace warm to hold up. In one of my all time favorite stories, a dog recognizes the need for this and gently scoops a soul up and holds it against the roof of its mouth and doesn't bark until his person recovers. Then it just says "Hi" (woof) to let the soul out.

I know how to need that so 👁's trying to give it.

touch and go - drayton farley 

I honestly for real wonder what it feels like - does it feel like anything? - when a witch hones in like this on you. Puts on you healings that she prescribes, concocts, applies. The sporadic jump off the table hug, I kinda have gotten that from you, kinda a few times. And you don't lie back down either. Hear me out: if you grant that a person has mind body and soul, then logically each needs a different specialist. (I would add HEART to that, its own 4th wheel deserving of acknowledgment.)

If we barely have doctoring enough for the body, where does the rest go for triage? Or is everything else just supposed to just die, vestigial? 

I'm unrepentently not convinced that only a (sad) heartbeat counts as alive enough - conceptually, ethically, intellectually. And god knows not viscerally. 

the Polish spice + and his mom gave me that crystal

amaryllis REbloom, phallic energy obvious

baby, I just need you - riley green

you won't die, I planted chives 

"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed." - Hunter S. Thompson

Fear is the mind killer. Been whispering that to myself since I was just a girl. It usually works. But it doesn't work on Worry, that is a whole different mind predator. 

you know I know - sam barber

"weighted blanket" 

 

not there yet - hayes carll but now it's the next day towards

"If I did the math I’d probably be shocked on how much [I cost myself] - I’d probably punch myself in the face." Flavor Flav

It gets worse before it gets better, as I recall, before it starts to let go, it goes way out of range of malt-o-meal.

I will wait - marcus mumford (solo) 

hurts like hell - charlotte cornfield

 

think I'll leave this for the day 😴

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The good life is your current life. It's good because you know this. Your senses take you to a vivid experience of things. To live fully, you don't need to go anywhere or become anything other than what you already are.

That is what I've been going for, yup. Not accepting as-is. Changing as-is to feel right. Full, vivid, authentic, solid, healthy.

Today is going to be lying low a lot. I gave to get 2 temp crowns this a.m., 2 hours of grinding then weird shit n my mouth for a week. I've been putting it off. Amazingly dodged this bullet - that's 2 big procedures/injuries, mine and Dball's, that just evaporated at the last minute. I have a pointlessly numb face to the eyeballs atm, but I'll take it (nap it off).

I'll still be a good girl and spend the afternoon doing stuff that's not fun. It doesn't feel right to do otherwise. 

if we were vampires - jason isbell and the 400 unit

"It's not his fault it lives there, but my heart lives in my throat so that's where I feel everything. "

 

"Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life", Yiyun Li (grit reading)

"OZURIE"
 feeling torn between the life you want and the life you have

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're doing well, but it's OK to want to be doing even better. People who have your best interest at heart are fine with this. A transformation is happening now, albeit slowly. Keep focusing on what you want.

"When I have a problem, everyone in the path of my solution has a bigger problem." 

The sentence is a good one.

I resonated upon it. And I prayed to Mary in the blunt cut to the chase way we have worked out over the years between us on certain subjects. 

"straight talk"

I learned watching Landman that having sex while wearing hair extensions (locked down not clip-in crap) is "Saturday night sex." Not long ago, he said to me, 'Remember when you had those extensions, that was CRAZY!' 

I wouldn't do it again lol. But I don't know what I would do now except I still think every little stupid thing should be going for the "saturday night" version of itself. I have returned to my vows on that particular life philosophy.

MARU MORI, constant awareness of

Hear me out. A healthy human being needs a lot of things. And trying to get all those needs met and trying to help get them met for others, it is very complicated. You have to be constantly humble in the face of that, I think.

But, all kindsa affections can be manifested in a million little things. 

Doting is part fetish. And are we not past kinkshaming? 

Plus, ya think Thoreau's painstaking re-straightening of old nails, all of  them, wasn't extreme attention to the physical preciousness of the everyday? 

"tell me how the love stays strong when the food runs through"

paying attention 👁 for one

MARU MORI - the heartbreaking simplicity of ordinary things 

"Most living things don’t need to remind themselves that life is precious. They simply pass the time. An old cat can sit in the window of a bookstore, whiling away the hours as people wander through. Blinking calmly, breathing in and out, idly watching a van being unloaded across the street, without thinking too much about anything. And that’s alright. It’s not such a bad way to live. So much of life is spent this way, in ordinary time. There’s no grand struggle, no sacraments, no epiphanies. Just simple domesticity, captured in little images, here and there. All the cheap little objects. The jittering rattle of an oscillating fan; a pair of toothbrushes waiting in a cup by the sink. There’s the ragged squeal of an old screen door, the dry electronic screech of a receipt being printed, the ambient roar of someone showering upstairs. And the feeling of pulling on a pair of wool socks on a winter morning and peeling them off at the end of the day. These are sensations that pass without a second thought. So much of it is barely worth noting. But in a couple hundred years, this world will turn over to a completely different cast of characters. They won’t look back and wonder who won the battles or when. Instead, they’ll try to imagine how we lived day to day, gathering precious artifacts of the world as it once was, in all its heartbreaking little details. They’ll look for the doodles left behind in the margins of our textbooks, and the dandelions pressed in the pages. They’ll try to imagine how our clothes felt on our bodies, and what we ate for lunch on a typical day, and what it might’ve cost. They’ll wonder about our superstitions, the weird little memes and phrases and jokes we liked to tell, the pop songs we hummed mindlessly to ourselves. They’ll try to imagine how it must’ve felt to stand on a street corner, looking around at the architecture, hearing old cars rumbling by. The smell in the air. What ketchup must have tasted like. We rarely think to hold on to that part of life. We don’t build statues of ordinary people. We don’t leave behind little plaques to commemorate the milestones of ordinary time: HERE ON THE TWENTY FIFTH OF MARCH NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY FOUR SOME NEIGHBORS WENT OUT WALKING THEIR DOGS THE CHILDREN TOOK TURNS HOLDING THE LEASH IT WAS A FUN AFTERNOON FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED But it all still happened. All those cheap and disposable experiences are no less real than anything in our history books, no less sacred than anything in our hymnals. Perhaps we should try keeping our eyes open while we pray, and look for the meaning hidden in the things right in front of us: in the sound of Tic Tacs rattling in a box, the throbbing ache of hiccups, and the punky smell that lingers on your hands after doing the dishes. Each is itself a kind of meditation, a reminder of what is real.: A tribute to Maru Mori, a friend of Pablo Neruda, whose gift of wool socks inspired his poem “Ode to My Socks.” Compare memento mori, a poignant reminder of your own mortality. Pronounced “mah-roo moh-ree.”

~Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, emphasis mine. 

These are all the things on my life list, I don't NOT notice them (!), I notice them relentlessly, and want these tiny moments to all catch the light  That's why in therapy, I had to make a list of "nothing(s)" bc they're everything to me.

"My grip is firmly around the scrotum of life, and I will never let go." 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There is one person who you haven't talked to in a long while. This will be an auspicious time to catch up. You'll discover how you can help one another, even if it's just by being a witness to what's happening in their world.

I know what I am. I am the friend with no benefits. 

I mean, I get a healthy libido with  nowhere to go (trouble walkin) and candles galore. You get your horoscope unreliably. Can we really call those benefits? 

I got a vintage silk velvet applebees on date night dress

Hmm, to whom have I been even less beneficial than that lately 🤔?  

Called Spiderlily, my friend in WI. She feels like shit too / somebody died. That's just the price of keeping up with people atm, nobody is doing very well / they're missing somebody / dying has its teeth sunk in. I worked up to calling her all day, knowing somebody is prolly dying on her 🤦🏻‍♀️ and sure nuff, so I laughed about it (after being sad of course) 🤣 🤣 We had a weirdly good laugh.  It is a new important skill we are trying to learn fast, how to show up without just drowning too. 

hang your head down low - vincent emerson