13th lake

pond husband ❤️

 

omw

candye kane - work what ya got

I can see anything moving and the alarms are immediate and deafening including a personal panic button for me that bypasses 911 and goes straight to deploying force / assuming I need help. 

Now all I need is gun lessons. There must be a class 🤔

But first what I need most, is my mind and body returned to me. I need healing. So to my pond husband, I shall return 🙏

Cindarella's chariot

I am struggling. I would cry out, but to whom/what? Quieter and quieter and quieter 

go away

Ears and Sarah Connor

I only like to pull the pump to make the sound - love that - but otherwise I just kinda wanna move to the suburbs.  Despite a metric fuckton of $ spent on security and weapons, including 2 mace guns with light targets that flash to disorient (imported from Nebraska, where you can legally treat people like they're as dangerous as bears) (which duh, I'd rather be surrounded by bears than men) and sexy Sarah, I feel like 🤔 hmm 🤔 fuck the city! I'll go where the yards have room for a pool. And room to run for a big ass dog. And no rats!, on 2 or 4 legs.  #italian(almostwhite)flight

girls just want to have fun lalala

Huh. Cockrings are sold at gun stores 🤔 - seems sorta logical actually 🤔.

Gotta hand it to Nebraska. Wow the white guy force is strong within him. The owners of two security companies

old screen door upstairs, mounted with rebar because this place always was intended to be a fortress

got their butts right over here. No waiting list for this bitch! And I'm not dealing with the handymen anymore either. 

Normally I'd be all SELF RELIANCE. But, fuck it. I'm tired. Let men deal with men. It's the least they can do. 

took the poor bastard 2 days to install it, but now even bad guys on dragons couldn't get in

"Resolutions"

If Nebraska doesn't mail me the mace guns, I will demote him in my mind

If I don't have mace, I'll go to the wilderness anyway

I will go to the wilds no matter what, and accept that anger at having to feel like a woman (vulnerable) is part of the deal

I will fire all male handymen and not hire more 

(Except the old codger with the security doors in the first ward)

When the shotgun arrives, I will ask the gunstore dude what to replace the Kimbers with, provided Nebraska did not mail me my mace guns, which I have a testy bitchy feeling he will not

I will never again forget how draining it is to feel fearful chronically 

I will remember that I never forgot it, I repressed it

I will try to know the difference between acceptance and repression (tricky!)

I will get another tattoo

I will try not to wish everyone dead who is setting off fireworks right now, tho for the record, this 'illusion of freedom' holiday is annoying af, and I hope some EMT gets a good ER story out of one of these fucking idiots shoving a firecracker up his ass on a dare 🙏

I am not going to resolve to drink less or exercise more, done that am doing that am eating 5 vegetable servings a day yadayada, for all the good it does me

I am not going to resolve to not want to punch my man in the face bc I'd fail immediately (in my defense, he got me an online course on birding to 'cheer me up')

(I lost the thread of I WILLS, devolving into WILL NOTs 🤔)

I WILL try to give more credit to TRYING, in general, cz God knows the deck is stacked against succeeding 

(the most terrifying thing about all this was 1 Ears missed coming home while they were still here by mere minutes, I can tell by the dog collars that are fitbits 2 they could have taken the dogs, little friendly fuckers)

I will get another dog, a BIG one, a Stelladoodle 

s.m.i.b

shopping for a big dog to guard my Littles 

gallows slapstick

It's Ex's birthday today. 

Have I blogged the part where Ex is engaged to M arta now, the woman I (we) worked with for years? The woman I went to grad school with, knew her before I knew him, have known her for FOREVER? I was kinda freaked out at first about the engagement. Apparently they had a pact that if ever they were both single etc.; they made that pact while he was still married to me. Feckless AND mean. Welp, better her than me, I concluded.

Today, M took Ex to the garden store for flowers for her garden that he gets to plant as his gift. He hates flowers. She also has umpteen cats and dogs and makes him talk babytalk at them, during video calls, if they're naughty, like barfing into his shoes. TJ told me all this today and it was the best laugh I've had in a long while.

I'm lying here in my extremely barricaded home, trying to feel safe in my own skin, starting to write a story.

(image deleted)

Premise: Two women who were intimate friends long ago and for years, after much mutually known trauma(s), one marries the ex of the other and proceeds to gaslight him into believing he loves pets and flowers in slow motion torture, one garden bed shat in by a slobbering dog at a time death by a thousand papercuts type deal ...🤣 

I am grateful. The cops have been nice and not dismissive even though the theft of a woman's wardrobe is just really odd and not restorable (wouldn't fit anyway), friends have been supportive, I'm alive, my dogs weren't taken, all the thank-god things.

Unharmed. I always seem that.

But I'm not. 

I want out of here. As enviable as it all is in many ways, the fancy awards my work wins lately, my kids being solid humans in the face of their own considerable struggles, I'm lucky af - but still - I want out of this life. I have for years, since the first time I bought this iron mailbox

for shaken womanbaby syndrome

I gotta pull it together. 

Is it just me or does everyone have this job: pull it together, hide your heartache for the sake of the kids(?). For the status quo? Be grateful?

shotgun - george ezra

better but not gun better

curled in here thinking of synonyms for BARRICADE(D) 🤔

.. garrisoned, bulwarked, secured, entrenched, defenestration-prone?

As I clean up the mess, I keep finding more things gone. There is no remedy for lovering. Why would someone take that and leave the laptops? It feels personal. And sadistic.

It's time for a curse. 

bebo best & super lounge - singsingsing