“I don’t want to live the wrong life and then die.” 

 it means STRONG in Morse code

"The breaking of so great a thing should make a greater crack."~ WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Antony and Cleopatra

butterknife

Nebraska is driving to WI to fetch She Who Is My Mother and bringing her to me. Because I need my mommy because I am losing my mind because it is Christmas without lights × pandemic / slowburn life crisis. 

Thank. God.

My mother has no money and no practical skills at all unless you count passive aggression and painting flowers on anything and everything, but she brings me Love and Understanding. 

losing my mind photo essay

head explodi

ng emoji

update: another insomnia thought: why/how did I stop enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want (?)...

So I grubhubbed an egg mcmuffin meal to eat in bed because I can. 

styx - too much tine on my hands (high rec retro)

Bonus - wtf that big girl can do it and I just wind up hitting myself in the face uncoordinated af 🤯🤣

he doesn't judge 

against the odds

Brad Sucks - All Right Now 

New shit, 2021. And not bad. 

what I am worried about

Being depressed and not being able to distinguish that from unhappiness and having to just have faith that that will resolve somehow someway bc I can't DO ANYTHING except tread water harder getting nowhere but stillalive. Not wanting to talk to anyone and having to do so anyway, all the time, about as little as possible because I can't tell anyone anyrealthing. Then all the practical things like housing and food costs and winding up in my kids' scathing memoirs. Cancer. Climate catastrophe. That I can smell the pea soup burning but can't care enough to go turn it down, that'll bite me in the ass in a couple hours ... it's kind of an EVERYTHING could use a un-sucky make-over which would be okay if I felt like I could ACCOMPLISH THAT but I cant, I don't know how. Hence I am crying since I'm not good at being lousy at life without a clue, it's a bitter pill to have to swallow, I'm just suddenly lousy-at-life, god what a shitty lifestage, like a mid-life extended pre-eulogy inner monologue nonstop 😖

My problem is not the pandemic. It is that the pandemic traps me inside with my self. If I had a better self, I'd be fine.

Is there a good song for that?

there but for the grace of God

70 mph wind warning playlist

Update

Lizzo's "tiny ass desk"  

Elle King and Miranda Something - Drunk

Walker Hayes - AA

The wind is moving fast n furious. I ain't moving at all.

love affair

 

 TJ Sue

 love affair

omicron sounds like a Transformer

 

Like that meme where the guy doesn't often drink whatever but when he does it's some stupid one-liner: I don't often post on Dec firsts, but when I do it's historically redundant ("relevant")

re

post

the end of the world is:  (deadly dull) stressful / existential crisis = I need not that more (!)

still at work 

it dont bother me - robert plant & alison krauss everything bothers me 

if you're going through hell keep moving  

whiskey and rain

back to 

work

Lasting for just over six hours, the longest lasting partial lunar eclipse in 580 years...

https://buffalonews.com/multimedia/a-look-back-at-the-wall-of-snow-in-november-2014/collection_2a0171a8-423a-11ec-9c77-27d33373b2ba.html?utm_medium=social&utm_source=email&utm_campaign=user-share

I remember it well. Xmas shopping under a bright blue sky up in Niagara County, we could see the haboob in the distance, pounding south Buffalo to the beat of my heart. If I could have, I would have collapsed every roof I'd ever stepped under there (except the jeweler). But I was not a strong enough witch. We bought new strings of lights. Old fashioned large bulb multi, his favorite, to circle my pretty little house. It kept us safe again for a while, "safe for spell".

This holiday season, I have finally embarked on a book of shadows. ... But ... Always listen to your familiar. As soon as I read that article this morning and pulled that thread in my mind, Dball-J threw up all over. So. No work on the book today.

dua lipa - break my heart

Fool me once (dance remix)

Thought: I miss IKEA, literally I need a dresser and ..

Thought: I wonder if IKEA exists anymore ?? 🤔🤔🤔

So you remember me  

Baby come back

 

 

babes

Dball's favorite morning coffee favorite spot, chin over my waist / resting against my fat butt lol

'Warrior princess" (holds her tiara like a weapon) and her pet turtle 

Squid Dude - I made that - first kid costume project in years :) 

Fancy Like 

I shazamd it while in The Girl's car listening to the local BLK station today. 

(Huh.)

 

I thought I would post yet another picture of the current love of my life, Dball, the way he rolls over as the sun comes up, tummy offered for me to rub my fingers on.

But. For whatever reason, blogger pulled up this instead of a blank page. About which I have been thinking a lot again lately. Talking in my head. Writing in my head. To whom? My youngest daughter mostly, the child who took the most amount of damage from the upbringing I gave them. I tried so hard to shield them from the awfulness of life, but I couldn't shield them from having been born to me. I couldn't shield anybody, including myself, from me. Now I don't "do me" much anymore. I don't write (here or anywhere). I don't find music or stare into my own eyes for 90 hot minutes. I don't evoke myself. I have had a man in my life for going on two years about whom I have written nothing and to whom I do not speak of my past or my inner life. 

It is like Myself is inside my chest, a wild animal of feelingthought, and I keep her caged there and barely fed and drugged enough to not be ABLE to DO. And in that way, I think that I will keep myself from doing any more damage to anyone. 

How are you feeling today?, Ears asks of Globug. Hold on I'll draw it, she replies ...

Check up today, she needs to gain weight. Avocados for breakfast from now on. Can you imagine getting a high fat breakfast followed by a warm bath *every day*?  Not to diminish the struggle of CF, I get that. But still..If you have CF and you're very loved, it might set you up to expect the world as a giveashit universe wherein brunch and a soak are a typical part of daily life. Which IT AIN'T (!!) 

guess who - no sugar tonight / new mother nature

https://youtu.be/hi4pzKvuEQM 

neil diamond - the grass won't pay no mind (Elvis cover) 

They killed Crow, and I fumed that if he'd been a bald eagle (white), it wouldn't have been like that. But west nile is west nile. Dying is death and a natural part of life. Why can't we do it better??

 I forgot to keep track, and now there's a hum..

If the universe didn't want me to be a crabby cunt, it shouldn't put that puck in front of the net. Every. Day.

You never worship.

 I wish i could do this to everybody, pretty much

 (snort)

 I fucking love my kids. They're incredible people. 

I took him/her to the spca wildlife experts and they "humanely euthanized" my Crow, surrounded by strangers, I was not allowed to hold a wing or toe, bc Covid, after I promised help would come. I *promised*. But I failed. Calling 911 never = help. Ever. I know that but it's hard to accept. It's just what people do, call 911, as if miracles and not low wage understandably alcoholic humans are picking up that phone. I don't want to die that way. I should have kept Crow here in my garden and delt with it. I just thought, wished, as we all do, that medicine could convey a miracle. But it does not. Cannot. It cannot. And folks should die at home. 

 He can't fly. I've always wanted a raven of course but ... 🤔

the stranglers - lines 

herbie hancock - (no)mercy street

 

 

Sticky -Ravyn Lenae

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (Aug. 31). Instead of imagining what others see when they look at you, you endeavor to know it for sure. You measure your results, test them on loved ones and strangers, tape yourself and gather input of all kinds so you can give your very best to the world. You'll be paid, promoted and made so proud of what you produce. Sagittarius and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 9, 4, 44, 1 and 7.

my wildish kingdom

 

The mantis could definitely kick Dball's ass

 morning coffee w Dball on the patio

Whatever you’re doing in life, unless you live in a cave, you're getting incremental exposures...(sigh)

tastes like monday morning lalalaa 

I love this guy
I have no idea what ketosis is. All I know is that I swam a stone cold mile (COLD water), then put a stopper on it w zero carbs for a spell

back to work

 me on zoom, s(l)inking down into my screensquare 

Hot yoga on a blistering hot day. First time since March 2020. Because he wanted to. Because it's a way to get sane.

The Girl has a kid with CF. The youngest is now a girl (in transit). And turns out the middle one, Ears, is the deepest immediate worry .. 😖

I need like 100 orgasms. And a manipedi. Bare minimum.

 

pond husband and D-ball

 

 It feels weird this year, leaving for the dacks. My Beloved waits for me, I know, his watery whole self to embrace and engulf me. But after a year+ being HERE, so very here always on my property, it feels wrenching a bit to leave it even for an hour. My little housecand garden witches have to be vigilant watching over 

you want trouble 

lous and yakusa