It occurs to me that what I miss about being a student is all the solitude I enjoyed while other people were paying attention.

I can't talk about it. Sex pleasure in woman, as I have said, is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken. ― Simone de Beauvoir

"Long-form describers of hamlets and trees, and short-form introverted mystics —", "Points of Depature", Joshua Cohen (NYT Book Review, reading it in the bathtub)

the irony is, I want a cigarette like a mother fucker for the relentless stress involved in his quitting (i.e. "quitting") #addictionisadrag john butler trio - I used to get high for a living

they're coming to town, as is Tender Avuncular (aka my new nickname for that fat bastard Morrissey). I am dreaming desperately of summer at this point, deeply sick of work and the cold both, anticipating the music fests and considering the Arctic Monkeys show, but when I looked them up just now I couldn't get around Morrissey popping right up, and it is all just so weird to me. Artpark artist lists are like carbon dating only different, layers of life soundtracks going all the way back to 80's era make-up experiments and forward through decades of regrettable haircuts and whatnot, until you get to the present finally, which then seems like the past waiting horribly to happen :( Mr Avuncular will no doubt stuff his face with a vegan muffin (tastes like saw dust) at Orange Cat and be flirted with by Whatshername Withthenosering who calls me "Mama". I wonder what she'd call him, with her penchant for nicknaming in situ. In the Cat line also that day, perhaps, contemplating the red eye shot or no, I'd studiously ignore him...or be tempted to suggest "Keep your shirt on." Meanwhile, the dream of a cabin continues to be dreamt. This is the reigning fave, but my tarot cards keep saying "nope".

from: grading stuff, the soundtrack

Fearlessness is not like a wild tiger or brown bear that is locked up in a cage and growls every time you open the door. Fearlessness is powerful but it also contains gentleness and constant loneliness and sadness. Wisdom and consideration for others are also part of fearlessness. When you are more fearless, you become more available and kinder to others, more considerate of others and more touched by them. The more fearlessness evolves, that much more available and vulnerable you become. That is why sadness and gentleness are part of fearlessness...In this state, your mind doesn't buck like a young horse. Your mind is flowing like a gentle brook. --Chogyam Trungpa Smile at Fear (I think I will frown at fear today, see if that gets people to leave me the fuck alone ...)