Day 2. I have a tummy-egg. I’m still snowed in. I’m just about out of milk. I’m just about out of library books . . . Erg.

Welp. I have made it through every landporn listing within the mileage target-zone, and I’m back to that one, with the garden and the ugly-factor. I was up and down last night, listening to the wind etc, and looking at that house and writing thoughts about this new plan of mine. Looking at the pics, I wrote “this one reminds me of my first house - inside it looked like I had died as Mark stayed there and grew his garden all around it” I made a literary guess about the house in Lewiston: a guy lives alone in that house, and that same throw pillow has been on that same chair for a decade.

I was reading The 5 People You Meet In Heaven last night too – I’m just projecting the likeable widower into the plotline of my landporn, I thought. Stop.

But I couldn’t stop. Imagining.

So at dawn I wrote to the real estate agent to make an appt. to see the house. At 10 this morning she wrote back: The exterior of the home and the mechanics are all updated. However, the interior will need extensive cosmetic work. The owner is a widower and has not done anything to the interior.

[Gordon Downie, If I Had A Hammer]

Seriously. What are the odds??

Since I can’t race out there and try to intuit if we’re meant to be together, I’ve moved on to remembering Lewiston. Karate-Man lived there down the street from an Irish pub we’d all go to once in a while. It’s an old town, known (I dimly recall) for its status as a last-stop on the underground railroad. Which is somewhat ironic, given its current demographic make-up. Ok, as soon as I saw those stats, I started to feel like a rat studying its intended-ship via the internet (horns poking out the top of my curls). Check this out. Doesn’t she look like she’d just love me? That face puts the “ew” in phew, but check out the picture tour. Pretty little place.

The house is literally swaying.

I shoved Jas out the back door and shut it, forcing him to pee while barking in protest at the same time at the top of his lungs.

So, we're all stuck inside, baking chocolate cake and reading and building lego castles and looking at porn . . . . It's back to land porn, as opposed to puppies or dresses. Does anyone else look at land porn, or is that just me? Even when I'm not even anywhere near buying anything, I still go on binges of looking. It's kind of addictive. And there is a peeping quality to it, cz you're looking at people's taste and their stuff and thinking "who would think of doing THAT?"

For instance. Yes, that is a built-in bricked-in WISHING WELL in the LIVING ROOM. I love how the real estate agent took a pic of the hippie wall-hanging, looking for something less-than-hideous to record in the photo show. Take the crap out and there is an empty house with lots of skylights and 2 acres sitting directly on the shore of Lake Ontario, I guess . . . but I wonder how you'd remove an indoor well (??).

for virgo today: The formidable Saturn/Pluto aspect will be a real helping hand, if you let it. More expressive in your views; a little more original in the way you approach everyday life and an ability to be quite charming are a few of the benefits. This aspect is here for months; use it!

photos 7 & 8 of solution #100(at least) and #1 (since puzzle 2 is a new puzzle) respectively to two puzzles

it cuts the distance of FPH's drive (pz 1) and X's drive (pz 2) each by about 1/3-ish, while not displacing me out of either job or country

the house is ugly as hell, clearly - but if you took out all the ugly shit, it would be a lot less ugly right off the bat, and then over time bla bla bla - I'm good at that kind of stuff

the recession (U.S.) sucks, I suppose, but not for me - bc people flock back to college when the unemployment rates go up, and since my income is fixed falling prices of goods and credit (mortgages) are the only way my income goes appreciably up

not that money is a huge motivator for me (hahahah understatement), but

I'm fine now and like where I live and all that . . . but puzzle 1 is a long-standing pisser and puzzle 2 is already becoming a real pain in the ass, with X wanting me to move to downtown Toronto to save himself both the commute and child support (annnnnooooyyying), neither one of which I have any interest in at all of doing

I could post the links to bare land too, solution #101 and #2, etc etc - but the point is, it feels to me like various needs and desires and economic conditions might perfect-storm into momentum toward a backyard the size of a soccer field, a rich little school district, and the building I'm living in providing rental income instead of home [making me considerably better off money-wise in the long run, way]

I am not doing anything actively about this . . . but I'm mulling

Alison Brown w/ Indigo Girls, Homeward Bound [high rec, great cover]

TJ is sitting at the kitchen table with his eyes closed.
He says, Ask me why my eyes are closed.
Why are your eyes closed?
I was in the middle of a blink, then I lost interest.

gene autry - back in the saddle

[one of the chickens is timmy tofu, fyi]



[]

friday

o no, I missed Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day
[maybe the Sabres should splurge on a plow]
and National Pie Day
damn

it's National Women's Healthy Weight Day today (e-cards available here)

it's still World Leprosy Week
whew

and I've still got two days to plan for the kick off of National Cowboy Poetry Week [which alternately begins April 15th on the Cowboy Orthodox calendar]

I hate being at work wanting a cheeseburger when I've packed a V8 for lunch :(

Check this out. I've gotten votes for just about every one of the pups, mostly based on their names, which is stupid since they don't keep those names (duh!) - TJ wants to name it "Wingnut" regardless. The only input that gave me pause (paws, ha ha) was Ears saying "black dogs might be bad" - I'm not sure, but I think FPH might have said that to me once also. (?) So I looked it up, and sure enough people don't like black dogs. It's funny, because I've always really liked a black dog, and his black horsey muzzle is really what's attracting me to "Nero". So now I don't know whether to rebel against the prejudice towards black dogs and go with a black one, or to assume there is a karma reason why people shy away from them. Huh. I realize that these are not Deep Thoughts, but (hey I'm at work with a V8 first of all so what can be expected? and) I really do not want to make a karma-mistake with this puppy.

The thing is, just when my plate seems [too?] full, in fact I have room to love another - fullness breeds capacity love-wise, generally speaking, and I believe that and that I feel it to be true as a principle. So there. I just want the one I'm supposed to have to be the one I get - anybody know a (willing [ha hem]) dog whisperer?




from DmS + karokedee (10 hours ago) - (Dude, are you drinking [V8] at work too?)

every day is one that matters

from DmS: "If I can't be with the people I love the most on a day that matters, I don't wanna be with anyone. Better to eat pizza you bought with a hot check, watch your crappy tv . . " [cuddle with your dog(s)]

I concluded today that happiness takes a lot of bravery. Because you could get caught mid-giggle with your practiced cynicism singed off like a black turtleneck made of crepe paper. [(say la vee)]

he longs to be lost, she longs for the same playlist:
Thurston Moore : The Shape is in a Trance
The Weepies - All That I Want
Nick Drake - Cello Song
Cat Power – Woman Left Lonely

EmmyLou Harris – Ballad for a Runaway Horse – my pick of this pretty list. I haven’t listened to this song in a while—one of my favorites for a long time. I sung it to Ears, who wanted to hear it again and again and again when he was smaller – it’s a real (Canadian) beauty.

I’m getting a puppy. I don’t think I can (should?) help myself. Here’s how it happened.

I’ve been weepy for days. I miss K., I miss FPH, I miss the baby, I miss my mother, I miss the dead . . . I miss familiar voices talking to other people and not to me, just nearby where I can hear them like I do the boys when they’re arguing over how to defeat a decepticon that they made up out of spare parts. There is no help for any of that, once it gets going it’s just a thing I have to wait out, and I go to yoga and classes etc. anyway cz that’s what you do. That’s what I do. What I’m supposed to do. In fact, since it’s harder, I tend to do it all better because I’m concentrating on not letting anything drop, battening down the hatches.

Then, I start to get an eery sense of faking it. This was a Big Problem in the Before – I would be saying/doing one thing and thinking/feeling another All The Time. I thought I was practicing self-mastery (being good) – I was going painfully insane. Now I know that when all I want is a hug, yet I’m dressed in little professor clothes and standing in front of a 100 people and I’m thinking “people think I’m real, how weird” – that the wanting-a-hug-part is the real, and the other is a (nice) job, and then I'm just having a few bad days and not essentially faking my way through my own life entirely. [But. Then I’m back to missing People I Know. (wa wa)]

If I could, I’d have (more) people and (more) animals to feed and hug, and I'd build a [bale] house extra so there’d be enough room [without widening my carbon footprint (much)]. I’d collect more books, and plant an apple tree.

So anyway. Last night, the storm broke loose. Out of the blue, Woodward took the boys off for the night, practicing the routine from homework-thru-morning-bus complete with packing lunches and all of it. This is to be able to mix it up, if I need to, on a weeknight. That’s great, but all of a sudden . . . there was nothing between me and The Missing, and I cried like hell WA WA WA WA, took a bite outa FPH, then curled up in a ball under the nightlight and slept fitfully nearby-as-possible. I prayed, “sorry, I’m being a shit, I know it, people are starving all over the world and sleeping on the street all over this city and I’m being a big baby and an asshole I am sorry I’m trying I know I should do something more productive I’m a shit I’m sorry” etc etc, in and out of tumbled dreams.

This morning, I woke up, checked horoscopes (which spanked me, yup) and then my email. There was an email from the puppy people. I just looked at the pics – can they tell that?? It said: “Prices for anybody who lives in the Buffalo/Rochester area are discounted (apx 30%/$200) – Would you like one?” I’m sure this is a matter of Google-bots and not God, but I’m deciding it’s a sign from God anyway bc God could function via Google-bots, after all. That’s only logical.

So, WHICH? I’m still thinking Nero. He looks like he doesn’t want to wake up. (No! Santa’s an Asshole!) Or maybe it's not time yet, altogether.

Martin Luther King - Apathy (Peter Gabriel remix)

school holiday, v. 2 - which? (nero, methinks) maybe Gluttony is my sin after all

sleeping in, a school holiday today. I’m buried in covers, always cold. I hear him coming down the hallway in his sleeper-feet, scratch scratch – then he slows down and steps more quietly scratch pause scratch. I feel his heft sneak up onto the bed, and then Jasper’s weight being towed to the edge. They both alight from the bed (the great escape), TJ is holding Jas under the armpits and tipping back slightly so that the dog’s back paws don’t drag on the floor. TJ can’t see very well in this position, so he inevitably hits the doorframe (with some part of Jasper) on his way out. I hear him tell the dog “If everything were safe, nothing would be fun”

Cartoon from FaintedInk – that is the funniest damn thing – I wanna put that on my office door.

"Oxygen," Willy Mason - this is fantastic (a specific FPH word - he might really like this song) - painless poverty is better than embittered wealth - Greek proverb - Mason website.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling." - mitch albom

I went out to a beer tasting at Bale-D's house - complete with geeky score cards, and everyone gets a little bit hammered and it's fun but one of the score categories was "a goat died in my mouth" and the chocolate beer won that one hands down, holy shit what a head-egg that stuff gave me. Now I'm curled up watching the hockey game.

when you say nothing at all playlist:
poets of thought - the rhyme goes on
leftfield - dub gusset
Radiohead-Everything In It's Right Place (Oakenfold Remix)
kings of convenience - sing softly to me (quiet is the new loud)

To rebel in season is not to rebel.

for virgo this week: In 1954, the writer Albert Camus said, "A person's life purpose is nothing more than to rediscover, through the detours of art or love or passionate work, those one or two images in the presence of which his heart first opened." In the first month of 2008, a humble astrology columnist, yours truly, used Camus' words to direct Virgos towards one of their primary tasks in the year ahead.

I knew there was something shitty in the air. The girl's cancer.

I have no reason to be grumpy. I was above-average all week, I got my door fixed, I have some [modest] weekend plans, I'm not broke . . . Nothing is Wrong. And I Love That. But. (lowgrade-growling-discontent[april ground]) playlist

"Solitude," Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong [the horns]
vera hall - trouble so hard
"Dry Grass and Shadows," Alela Diane [this one makes me miss Gladness like it were a person]

for virgo today: The good news is that Mercury’s position in your sixth house combined with the influence of Venus means that romance and love will become less like a confusing maze and more like a leisurely stroll by a moonlit beach. You’ll be feeling lighter of heart with the boost of airy energy and thanks to Venus you’ll be positively sizzling!

"leisurely sizzling", mmmmmm nice combo - let's check the other one . . .

You and your mate or best friend find new links today and that brings a buzz of good energy to your relationship. It's a good time to expand your commitment, or just to express your feelings. [huh.]
[love stars? . .] . . . Glow and momentum will attract all kinds of interesting people your way. All you have to do is smile. [lol] [wait, let me check the magic scheduler: work all day; taekwon-do practice at 5; sloppy-joes for dinner . . . - wow, I better wear red panties cz that is HOT eh?]

new bed
Frederico Aubele - Besos De Sal
Ani DiFranco - Joyful Girl (Danger & Uncertainty Mix)
Saltillo - A Necessary End [the uptake 45 seconds in]

"I Want to Stay Here," Oscar Peterson, clavichord; Joe Pass, guitar

califone - bottles and bones/ shades and sympathy

"Virgo, don't you dare read D.H. Lawrence in the next four weeks. You need to be surrounded by influences that will encourage you to look for humor and amusement in every single thing you do."

buck 65 - way back when

difficult to transplant, hard to uproot

loren radis - naked as we came (iron & wine)

for virgo: Your main assignment in 2008 is to become highly skilled at feeling good. Does that sound like something you might want to do? [That’d be an obvious question to any other sign but virgo--it sounds to me a little like a come-on from a schoolyard crack dealer.] If so, here's the beginning of a regimen you could follow: (1) Be constantly taking notes about what experiences give you delight and what situations make you feel at home in the world. (2) Always be scheming to provide yourself with those experiences and situations. (3) Take a vow that nothing will obstruct you from seeking out and creating pleasure, peace, love, wonder, and an intimate connection with life. the mighty bop – feeling good

julie london – you’d be so nice to come home to
bonus - "Mercy, Mercy, Mercy," Paul Brown and Friends, featuring Bobby Caldwell